Have you ever seen that show Xavier on adult swim? Okay I totally can't get into the show but Dustin loves it.. Lately I have been hanging out with Dustin and Brian a lot.. I can't say I haven't had my fun either.. because it has been a blast.. but something just isn't right here..
The best way I can describe myself right now is I am split in two differnt directions.. one being my Christ life and another being a life that I once lived.. lets just be honest.. I have relasped bigtime into my past self.. I wake up everyday and feel low.. almost the lowest of the low..
I don't feel like I have direction anymore honestly.. I have done things that I shouldn't of done.. and yes there is major guilt there.. I have been living my life.. for selfish purposes.. and it just does not feel all that great..
So many people are trying to look out for me.. and I don't even have time to check my voicemail because I am too busy doing crap I shouldn't be doing.. honestly I feel like I have fallen and I can't get up.. My prayer life has been absoultly non- exsistant over the course of a month..
Throughout this spill one thing led to another.. and I lost something that I held pretty strong to myself... that was my virginity.. I don't blame anyone but myself for this.. because I did the deed.. I willingly had sex.. twice in the course of 6 hours or so..
I have sinned.. oh have I done it..
Last night I was at Jesse's and we were all just chillen.. we had been hanging out there for awhile.. and all the sudden I just went into this mode.. I can't descibe is except no one else was there.. I was all alone.. left with guilt of my actions.. I had a moment were I felt this isn't right.. you know it.. what the heck are you doing Kevin.. what would Christ think of you right now Kevin.. this moment of time elasped for about 2 mins but it felt like years..
I snapped out of it.. and at one point just went outside to check my voice mails.. my mother had called me and I needed to catch up on them.. Turns out I could of done a editing job at CFC for Tech ministry.. if only I answered my phone six days prior.. I got a call from Josh Shuler too.. just calling to check up on me and see how I was doing.. Brian Janiagan also called me too.. seeing if I was coming to small group and how I was..
You know.. I suck at life sometimes.. real bad.. and at this moment.. it kind of hit me .. all the while Jesse kept popping his head out asking what I was doing ..
Well eventually my phone died.. I sat idle on Jesses sofa for awhile then dropped Dustin off and headed home.. I texted LD and talked to her for awhile.. then she sent me a text that almost made me cry right there.. I havn't had tears for a long time.. but this was a moment that just made me freeze.. I felt my eyes getting heavy.. after all I went though that night.. I think that topped the evening.. her just saying she is always there for me.. and lookin back on my phone calls that I didn't get too till a week after.. I felt moved.. I still feel confused.. but I know whats right..
I know what I believe in..
My focus should be Christ.. and I am not just saying that to say it.. thats what it should be.. I just find it really hard right now to put my focus into action.. but friends help.. they really do.. I would just like to thank those who have told me what I needed to hear.. those who truly care..
My dreams descibe best what I am going though.. living by the worlds rules.. vs living by Gods.. its a constant struggle.. and it haunts me in my sleep..
so.. I sense something is going to happen.. its for the best..
For sale on eBay: Obama's 'Kenyan birth certificate'
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This comes to no suprise to me..
They got a one up on everyone..
Let’s begin with the words
If you are going to do what you are doing, don’t do it here, find somewhere else to live.
This is pretty big deal, almost as if you were watching Degrassi and Spike caught Emma doing drugs, she got so ridiculous she just kept disrespecting her mom, stealing from her, abusing her mentally almost to the point were she said listen, I love you.. you are my daughter.. but you have got to go..
Basketball Diaries with Leonardo Decaperio, he was all into drugs and finally had a coke condition he couldn’t control.. his mom gave him the boot..
For me its helping someone.. well helping two people..
One of those people being my Dad…
Cue back story..
Time: childhood years 1994-2003
Setting: I moved a lot so around
Story: Growing up I never really had the dad I wanted to have, my dad was an alcoholic, and I can say he was really never there for me or my sister. I watched a lot of TV back in my younger years and I always watched shows like Step By Step and all these movies were the dad played a key roll in bringing up the kids. I would watch the dad go play baseball with his son, take him fishing, take him to the movies, etc. I never knew what that was like, I had a dad that would take me to the movie store to get a videogame, or a dad that would turn the TV on for me while he went out and did yard work.
When my parents split up for good I would go to my dad’s house and hang out with him. We would rent movies, and that is about it. I didn’t talk to my dad about a lot of things, for one I wasn’t really comfortable. As I got older I became uncomfortable at some of the conversations he would have with me. I don’t want to mention what they were because that isn’t really necessary, just know as a 13 or 14 year old kid it was uncomfortable to see him acting the way he was.
He never really made the phone calls, I always did, I was the one who always wanted to spend time with him, I wanted to get closer to him, he just didn’t really feel all that up for it. He was never there for me. Looking back on my life and the times I suffered though he was never there to comfort me, to give me advice, to bring me up, he never did any of that. I remember I was in the hallway crying because I didn’t have a caring dad, my mom cried with me. My dad had all he needed and that was his whiskey, which was the reality of the situation. He chose alcohol over his kids, not only did he do that but he also manipulated my feelings, my sisters, and my moms. He would call and I would feel so sorry for him that he was alone, that he was going though the things he was going though. I was so upset when I heard how miserable he was.
I spent a lot of years feeling sorry for him. As I got older I realized that James K Catt did all this to himself. I wasn’t feeling sorry for him now; I was feeling angry at him now. I remember one day I was at
I didn’t care anymore I let him go and subtracted him from my life. I kept in touch with him a little bit but honestly not that much, I spend months not talking to him and even longer not seeing him. He can have his misery pit and leave me out of it; yep that is how I played it.
Then I came to know Jesus Christ, and that all changed
I started talking to my dad in a new way, a way he was quite familiar with. I planted God all over him and he felt it bad. My dad used to be a Christian, knows the bible very well, he just drifted away.. It is had to see where he stands with Christ, I don’t know if he really believes everything or what. He saw what was happening to me and that reminded him of what happened to him back when he was saved.
I have been praying that my Dad would find God or God would just give him some spiritual awakening. I prayed that prayer for a long time. I still do pray that prayer because I know though God anything is possible.
Lately I have been talking to my dad, one night I even went up to his house at 2:00 in the morning just to talk to him, I don’t know what it was.. I was with LaDawn and I was thinking of somewhere we could go.. and it just popped into my mind my dad, I was just going to go and maybe leave a note or something.. he ended up being up though.. almost like God had planned it.
He even told me he usually isn’t up that late but he was that night for some reason.. hah
That night I was on fire, even though at the time my faith was a little shaky I still went it there and got deep with him. He was drunk, but the impact was still felt.. I had not seen my dad before this for I would say at least 5 months maybe longer. He had lost a lot of weight and looked different to me, not healthy. It took me by surprise but he would have never known by how well I played it off.
About a month or two later we are in the now, I feel like my prayers might just be getting answered, his girlfriend is being convicted and is turning to God, very slowly, and my Dad doesn’t want to lose her in his life so he told me he is giving up drinking. That is hard to believe, but if God is at work here I can believe it. What I hope to happen is she comes to Christ and redeems that relationship and then my dad sees that and comes to terms again with the truth. I don’t think that’s what he thinks is going to happen but that is just what I am hoping.
I talked to his girlfriend a few nights ago, really told her why God made us, our reason here, and how easy it is to come to know the Lord, I gave her some tips on how to strengthen her faith, (knock on wood) and I told her I would pray with her. I told her to spend just 10 mins a night really talking to God, and just read a few chapters in John, if she would just call out with a little bit of faith things would start to change. Well I talked to her tonight and it didn’t seem like things were going smooth but I wouldn’t know cause I had to end the conversation, my mom had came outside and demanded that I hand the phone over to her and this is where fathers day gets sticky..
My mom got very emotional; she was very upset at what I have been doing. She doesn’t like me taking to my dad because she knows he has brought lots of pain in both of our lives, she doesn’t want me to get hurt. I can see that somewhat. She said it was disrespectful to her, that I was talking to both of these people, one being my father.
Let me just say that after I came to know God, He did something in my life; He gave me strength in patience and willingness to forgive. I explained this to my mom; she said she didn’t have that with my dad.
I told my mom I really think God is working in this situation, there is to much happening here it seems like for it to not add up. I told her I am just trying to help him. She couldn’t understand it, she really couldn’t see it. I am 22 years old and I am not going to get hurt by my father like I used to, she doesn’t see that.
She feels like she is going to be brought into it and it is just going to add stress in her life or something. She really cut my heart a few times I am not going to lie, I have never made a scene the way I did. I lost control and started throwing things.. and then walked out of the house and just went to the backyard I couldn’t hang.. I am just trying to help my dad and I am being condemned for it. Cody came outside and offered some words of encouragement. He is a real dude and I love him.
I told her I wouldn’t talk about it anymore but she took it a step further. She said if I am going to try to handle this stuff or help with it at least, I need not do it at her house, meaning she wants me to move out. I froze at that point, I got nowhere else to go. My uncle did offer I could stay at his house, but I have heard this before..
Conclusion: I don’t think she meant what she said but man.. what an emotional rollercoaster ride.
:I have come to find out some other things.. that the girl my dad is dating is not a fan of my mom.. that could have been what triggered the whole thing.. I love her.. and she loves me.. she loves me so much she doesn’t want to see my dad to hurt me emotionally.. regardless of what he has done to me.. I still got love for him.. and I want him to be happy..
That is the unconditional love that God brings to you.. maybe things will change this time around.. maybe they won’t.. The good news is she isn’t going to kick me out of the house.. she just doesn’t want anything to do with it.. which.. I don’t blame her.. so I am not going to mention anything to her about it anymore..
I love my Mom so much.. She is wonderful.. God has really blessed me..