Have you ever seen that show Xavier on adult swim? Okay I totally can't get into the show but Dustin loves it.. Lately I have been hanging out with Dustin and Brian a lot.. I can't say I haven't had my fun either.. because it has been a blast.. but something just isn't right here..
The best way I can describe myself right now is I am split in two differnt directions.. one being my Christ life and another being a life that I once lived.. lets just be honest.. I have relasped bigtime into my past self.. I wake up everyday and feel low.. almost the lowest of the low..
I don't feel like I have direction anymore honestly.. I have done things that I shouldn't of done.. and yes there is major guilt there.. I have been living my life.. for selfish purposes.. and it just does not feel all that great..
So many people are trying to look out for me.. and I don't even have time to check my voicemail because I am too busy doing crap I shouldn't be doing.. honestly I feel like I have fallen and I can't get up.. My prayer life has been absoultly non- exsistant over the course of a month..
Throughout this spill one thing led to another.. and I lost something that I held pretty strong to myself... that was my virginity.. I don't blame anyone but myself for this.. because I did the deed.. I willingly had sex.. twice in the course of 6 hours or so..
I have sinned.. oh have I done it..
Last night I was at Jesse's and we were all just chillen.. we had been hanging out there for awhile.. and all the sudden I just went into this mode.. I can't descibe is except no one else was there.. I was all alone.. left with guilt of my actions.. I had a moment were I felt this isn't right.. you know it.. what the heck are you doing Kevin.. what would Christ think of you right now Kevin.. this moment of time elasped for about 2 mins but it felt like years..
I snapped out of it.. and at one point just went outside to check my voice mails.. my mother had called me and I needed to catch up on them.. Turns out I could of done a editing job at CFC for Tech ministry.. if only I answered my phone six days prior.. I got a call from Josh Shuler too.. just calling to check up on me and see how I was doing.. Brian Janiagan also called me too.. seeing if I was coming to small group and how I was..
You know.. I suck at life sometimes.. real bad.. and at this moment.. it kind of hit me .. all the while Jesse kept popping his head out asking what I was doing ..
Well eventually my phone died.. I sat idle on Jesses sofa for awhile then dropped Dustin off and headed home.. I texted LD and talked to her for awhile.. then she sent me a text that almost made me cry right there.. I havn't had tears for a long time.. but this was a moment that just made me freeze.. I felt my eyes getting heavy.. after all I went though that night.. I think that topped the evening.. her just saying she is always there for me.. and lookin back on my phone calls that I didn't get too till a week after.. I felt moved.. I still feel confused.. but I know whats right..
I know what I believe in..
My focus should be Christ.. and I am not just saying that to say it.. thats what it should be.. I just find it really hard right now to put my focus into action.. but friends help.. they really do.. I would just like to thank those who have told me what I needed to hear.. those who truly care..
My dreams descibe best what I am going though.. living by the worlds rules.. vs living by Gods.. its a constant struggle.. and it haunts me in my sleep..
so.. I sense something is going to happen.. its for the best..