Sometimes you just laugh.. You laugh at situations you get into.. You laugh at the past.. you laugh at the present.. You just laugh..
This song was playing my in my head all though out my shift last night..
ELO has became a embedded sound in me.. thanks to my dearest Mother. It speaks a lot though. This song has some real meaning to me..
I can't get it out of my head.
Ever since I came to know Christ I have found myself constantly at change. When you begin to not care about what the world cares about you start to really appreciate and understand what Christ is doing inside you. When Christ shows you LOVE oh my gosh.. Nothing compares...
I have always thought I was the guy to show love, before I stepped foot into the mystery method I was always the nice guy. Then I found out thanks to a Green Day song that Nice Guys finished last.. Well that is what I thought..
Thing is Nice Guys don't finish last. Nice guys end up with Nice Girls. Girls you can be honest with, girls you can share a mature relationship with, and Girls that just admire you for who you are, not who you attempt to be.
Ah I have a lot to learn..
As I continue to live I continue to grow, I really have started to begin to know what Love is, what Love isn't. I in fact constantly analyze my emotions just to see if I do know what Love is, how to express it, how to show it. I have bitter selfishness that sometimes doesn't let go, until you let it go. What I am learning about everything is to just let go.
SIMPLE? hah yeah right. Let go of your anger when someone is verbally driving a stake in your mouth. Let go when you are consistently only looking at you're side of a two sided picture. Let go of your technology for awhile. TV, Facebook, Blogger..
It isn't easy, I found out the hard way what not letting go can do to you. Not letting go can leave you in a state on unhealthy confusion, frustration, jealously and envy.
What do I do? I let it go. I don't act on selfish desires, but that of Gods.
I can't tell you what is happening here, but something is happening.
Everything happens for a reason..
EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW IS HAPPENING FOR A REASON
Not trying to get ahead of myself, but dang.. after taking time to analyze things.. and continuing to take time to analyze things.. I feel like I see were all my problems were, lol I laugh at it now because it was so ignorant. I laugh now because I am started to realize what fueled emotional issues from the start..
I may just have to type something out, that really reflects my feelings. Just when you thought you knew what was up God throws something else at you about your past. When I tend to let out my feelings to God, seems like he tends to show me something I missed. Thank the Lord he shows me, otherwise I would of overlooked such crap.
I am Kevin Catt
I am 22 years Old
I have great friends
I have a wonderful family
I want to one day have a family of my own (Unless God sees otherwise)
I want God to direct my path.
I want to be more like Jesus Christ.
I will love uncondiatinally :-)
God has blessed me with so much
A great Job
Wonderful Mother
Wonderful Friends
Wonderful Followers of Christ
Pretty much a wonderful life.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God
Trust.
Faith
Love =)
"Everyone goes though this Kevin" I have heard this from quite a few people. I believe them; I think everyone does go though this. Thing is I have never went though anything like this before. At one point in my life I was the helper, the supporter of friends and family. I was talking to my uncle and mom and they brought up such times in my childhood where I would be holding numerous instant messenger conversations talking to people to and try to help them settle there problems. Some of my friends have had some serious issues, suicidal thoughts, extreme depression, etc. I loved helping people and I was happy that I could encourage a few of my friends NOT to commit suicide. Suicide is a bit selfish if you ask me, but for the first time I think ever, the thought came to mind. I would NEVER do it, but that thought came to mind. My mom was actually worried that I would. That cut me deep; I would never do that no matter how hard the struggle I am facing is. Lately though I have clearly not been myself. I just now have the balls to talk about this because the thought of what I am going though just scares me and makes my stomach beat, you know the feeling right? That is a feeling of stress, guilt, worry, they all suck badly and it will emotionally drain you. You don't want to skate, you don't want to talk to anyone, and sometimes you just don't even want to think. What you want to do is sit in a state of no thought because that is better then the thought of what could be going though your mind. I'm digging deep and this entry isn't for anyone but myself honestly I recommend you just stop reading now because it might bring you down, I don't want to do that. I however need to be honest with where my heart has been the past two weeks and some. This journal is to document my Journey to Christ, it isn't always going to be lucky charms, and sometimes you end up with fruit loops or even worse fruity pebbles:-X. I am coming out of this funk slowly but surely, I still have some downtime but nothing like I was going though. Let me break down the details to this story. "Let go and let God handle it, Beau" "You have to give it to God Kevin" "Trust the Lord" -Jeff Lipko Senior, Holly Catt, LaDawn McGinnis, I have always been an upbeat guy, I have never really had depression problems, and I always look at the bright side of a situation most of the time. I never let anything in this world bring me down to a point where I couldn't look past and move on. I have had thoughts about my faith that are not my own, feelings of unbelief, feelings of doubt, sins I feel can't be forgiven, feelings of the holy spirit saying see you later Kevin, questioning my salvation, holding on to faith, being spiritually high, spiritually nothing. No sleeping, very little eating, no personality, no positive emotion, envy, jealously, sometimes I have felt throughout these two weeks that I can't not even Love! Anxiousness was NEVER a problem with me up until the past few weeks, some days I just break down and pull my hair and yell to god JUST TAKE THESE THOUGHTS AWAY LORD! I did that a few mornings in my living room when no one was home. It all comes down to trusting in God, and not taking on things your self, why is that so hard for me? I hate having to fight my thoughts all the time and I can't do it anymore, I never had this problem before and lately it has hit me like none other. Ask anyone and they will tell you I am a very independent person, I often don't rely on anyone to do anything for me. The funk I have been going though was so bad that I fell deep, I didn't talk to anyone, not even my best friends, and I hated looking at my cell phone and seeing what was going on in the world. I just needed to cut myself off I felt like. So the days I was home by myself I read and I read and I read, anything that could help me. I have pumped so much biblical knowledge into my brain I could tell you quite a few viewpoints on book of Hebrews, some things that Jesus taught, so forth and so on. The good news is I hit rock bottom, and now I am picking myself back up. "I never knew you" That is scary sometimes that comes to mind and makes me just go down. Thoughts like "This isn't real Kevin, this is just a way to keep you in check with your morals" Yeah that is selfishness knocking at the door, however I know that it isn't truth my mind can wonder and think whatever but I know deep in my heart Christ is saying whatever Kevin you don't believe that. Ask anyone and they will tell you I am a social person, love talking to people and helping people, well not as of lately its been horrible :-x I got over some of those thoughts, only by the grace of the Lord, his love is unconditional and this is true J. I have had thoughts of being like the Pharisees just living by the law and not trusting in Jesus to just shine though me. That leads me to my main problem overall, just not trusting in the Lord. I try to do everything myself and I can't do it. I just can't whoever is reading this is probably thinking well DUH Kevin. You know what I know okay, and I am coming out of this slump, even though every time I wake up after sleeping I feel that feeling of emptiness and despair at least it is not lasting all day like it was before. I am really trying to keep this as simple as possible because it isn't easy to talk about, I could go into a lot more detail but I really do not want to do that. A few rock bottom moments happened recently; one was listening to the Bible and having thoughts of denial of everything. Another instance was in Big Irish Mikes car while outside Nate's house waiting for him to get home, LaDawn was looking at the stars BIM was listening to the mp3 player and I was in the backseat beating myself up over the hurdles I was trying to jump over myself. I felt like I was going to hell, there is no hope for me. I had no personality that night, I was pretty quiet and really depressed, I got a little better in my spirits when we went to see the movie Terminator salvation but during the movie I couldn't help but put myself in the movie and figure well if it was me I would die and go to Hell.. I have grieved the Holy Spirit so much that He has just abandoned me that's it no turning back now. If you couldn't see it on my face I did a good job of covering up my emotions inside. Sometime happened to me Friday that has never happened to me before, I PROMISE YOU I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, It was about 12ish or something, I had just got done talking to LaDawn who told me she had just got a job at Showplace East after talking to Debbie, I was happy for her. I was miserable for myself at the same time, at about that time I put a blanket over my head and just tried to sleep, sleeping has not been easy for me, I keep waking up anxious and I just have to try to dose back off again. So I lay there and I just think about Jesus and I try to see something. I see small sparkles of light and then at one point I had a vision. This vision might have been a dream but I can't be sure I lost all sense of time and I just saw a girl I used to work with give me a gift it was Katie from Showplace, she just gave me this gift, it was in a gift bag. Well I took the gift bag and said thanks and then I looked and it was a brand new Mp3 player. It was nice probably twice as good as the one I have now, and then all the sudden I could not find it. I was looking for it and at the same time I was thinking about God, God is on my mind all the time even in my sleep. I woke up and or snapped out of it and I try to put the thought to mind, was God trying to tell me something? I had another instance right afterwards, I put the shift back over my head and this time I was attacked and it was like nothing I have ever felt in my entire life! My body started becoming numb I remember my legs fell asleep and my whole body then went paralyzed, it was pitch dark because I had the shirt over my head and my heart was about to thump out of my chest. I was panicked and at that point I have never felt so helpless, so alone, so scared, I couldn't see what was happening and I could not call out to anyone. In my mind I thought Jesus Christ and I kept saying it pretty soon I snapped out of it and jumped up in a sweat. I was so scared I thought I was possessed by Demons or something. I am almost positive I was under attack and once I called on Jesus everything was normal again. Sometimes I would get these thoughts of just not liking God at all, I don't want those thoughts but they came to mind. I always told myself though that I am the reason I am in the state of mind that I am in, God has nothing to do with it. God has nothing to do with 9/11 or any of the other disasters that have happened in our time. God wants to save us from such chaos that is the whole purpose of His Son DYING FOR US! After that I started coming back up in my faith, I however am still getting a bit anxious when I wake up from sleep with worry. I feel though God is working in my life slowly, bringing me back to a better state then I was before. Today I went to church with my uncle and the preacher prayed for me, I felt a since of peace, I went to bed and then got up freaking out again. Comparing myself to others doe not help to much either, I really got to cut that out and not be so anxious, God works on his watch and I just have to trust him to get me out of this mess. Honestly though I have never felt so low these past two weeks then I have. I have so much to say but I don't want to write a novel about this I just wanted to document a few of my struggles, I have more but yeah that is a few. I really want God to convict me of my sin, He has indeed. Satan has stayed away from me because my own mind has been bringing me down, The challenge for me is to let go, and I am that is the good news I am slowly letting go of all this crap. LaDawn suggested I read some faith building books, what came to mind one night is that God didn't have to create us or give us a chance to be with Him but He did because He loves us! So much that He sent his Son down to die so that we can become worthy though Jesus! I thank all my friends and family for your prayers that have helped me start working my way up the mountain, I am starting to slowly come back up and I appreciate everything from everyone. I got love for my friends. Even the friends that don't love me back. Coming back to life is an uplifting experience when you have felt dead, I have not fully recovered from this hit I have kind of brought on myself but I believe in time the Lord is going to bring me out of it as long as I can continue to let go. Life should be enjoyable, not anything like I am putting myself though. I have faith J God has my back.. Always and forever
Though God anything is possible.
The Journey Continues
Super high and Super down.. I have been going though these motions for a few weeks now.. It is .. not so hot..
Satan hates me.. He really does.. He tries so hard to keep me down and sometimes I just feel like giving in.. Then I realize I have done all this to myself..
I have never been depressed I don't think.. Like seriously depressed.. Now and days I feel that.. hard.. sometimes I just don't feel faithful at all.. Sometimes I really have to yell Jesus to get some relief.. to call on Him..
I have made some mistakes.. mistakes I will have to live with.. I wish I could bounce back quick but it seems like its easier said then done..
I want my old self back! I want to help people again... I want to strive to get to know my creator.. there are things in my path.. I need his strength now more then ever..
Aside from this I have learned what Love is.. I'm such a fool.. an absolute fool and every time I think about it.. it renders me aimlessly retarded.. I am such a selfish jerk .. I am such a .... I typed something here but I took that back..
I meant everything I said..
Please everyone pray for me.. I know I will come out of this funk.. it will just take time.. and I have to put effort into coming out of it..
QUIT BEING SELFISH KEVIN... QUIT THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF! BE HAPPY FOR EVERYONE KEVIN...!
I wrote an entry a week ago and thought I was healed.. doesn't happen that quickly..
Kevin you messed up..
but Kevin.. You live you learn..
Be happy.. be selfless..
I need to get away.. but there is no running away from this.. I must face this head on.. and deal with it the best way I can.. the biblical way..
Have Mercy on me Lord.. Forgive me..
Despite my issues, God has a plan for me, reveal it to me oh Lord. I think I know, start saving Kev..
Edit the Sad Parts is probably the only Modest Mouse song I can actually get into. The reason could be because it was a song in Jeff Stockwells awesome edit in Steal This Video. The song flows and I can defiantly dig it. It has been quite a bumpy ride I must say… In the course of a month I managed to do a lot of things I should not have done. I lived in a pool of sin, in more then one way, I actually hurt someone that really cared for me. I acted to fast in a situation that I should have taken slow. I actually got some advice from a biblical counselor that really helped me out though; it gave me a different outlook on the situation. What is better is that it gave me hope. LaDawn and I had been dating for two months, she revealed that I wasn't fully committed and perhaps that is true. Full commitment is not easy though; it just doesn't come to you and say here I am! That takes a lot of work and it takes time. Someone told me that from that start it wasn't going to work, that I jumped the gun and moved to fast, in so many words. They also said you need to take time and develop a strong friendship before engaging in a relationship. My gosh that is so true; I have never been the one to jump into a relationship and just set sail. This time I did why do you say? Well I thought God was leading us long a path of foreverness together. We did some things we shouldn't do, and that my friend was another big no no. She might think it was blasphemous about what I said that God brought us together, however I still don't think that. I took precautions and the way things came about, just doesn't make sense. I think He did bring us together for some purpose or friendship or something else. My pastor said that anything someone says "seldom I have never been accused at something that wasn't three percent true. " I really agree with that and as I look to apply that in my life I will grow stronger as a person and better as a disciple of Christ. So what happened, well someone told me it was just my hormones, I say no to that, even though my hormones are raging a lot of the time. No there was more then that holding us together. I have love for LaDawn, if I didn't have love for her I wouldn't of did or say any of the things I did say or do. There wasn't an alternative motive for my care, I took care of you out of kindness and love. One thing I got away from was God, Satan played foursquare in my heart. She never knew this but I my relationship with God was distant. I put her before God, and I know she wouldn't want me to do that but I did.. and it took me down.. way down.. You see when you abandon Christ.. You lose what you had, or at least I lost it. My peace felt gone and even though I knew God was there, I was not seeing him; until I came to repentance and got back on track I didn't feel his love. His Discipline and helping me see the error of my ways though was showing me Love, I know I am a child of God.. It is awesome. I was scared of the commitment and indecisive about it I started contemplating things like is this to soon? Is this what I want right now? Well I can say that putting God on a waiting list is NOT what I wanted. I need to learn to find balance and that is one thing I will learn to do in time. I also have learned that I need to be well rooted in Christ before engaging in an intimate relationship. I wasn't, perhaps she was, but I wasn't. Someone told me that until you sleep with a girl you probably aren't going to have a relationship with them. That is about the biggest load of crap I have ever heard and to think I might have bought into that if God didn't tap me on the shoulder and say "what cha doing kevin?" Her insecurities bothered me but I realized she was just nervous about our relationship. At least I hope that was it, insecurity will bring you down, I go though it sometimes and if she really suffers from it I hope God will help her heal and just take that away. Sometimes I felt like I needed space and I didn't give it to myself because I put her feelings first. I am sorry I didn't say anything LaDawn, again communication is something I have also learned. I have learned how to communicate better and not to keep anything like that inside but to share it. It probably doesn't help that I have had a commitment problem in relationships either. I think taking it slower will fix that as well and not trying to put my whole future right in my face. Sometimes that can be scary and overwhelming but other times it can be the greatest feeling. I care for LaDawn, I want us to grow and have the BEST FRIENDSHIP EVER, and if you think about why I did what I did well in the long run well it is Agape love, which sometimes hurts but it is a choice to do what is best for another person, (Gods Will) I needed to do this to help get back on my spiritual life, to get better rooted in Christ, to be able to really know. It wasn't fair to do what I did to her. I miss her and I love being around her we have good times and I want those to continue. If I could go back in time… I would have slowed down; I would still just be friends and grow in a friendship with LaDawn. We started out as strong as friends and then I did stuff and said stuff and just pushed myself out of the whole situation. It would of saved so much pain, and suffering to just slowed down and not acted so strongly so fast. I perverted the relationship like sticking dirt in a clear glass of water. I have learned that now and forever I will know. Thems growing pains.. She says never again will that relationship take place, I agree I never want to go back to who I was but who I am growing into, A person of Christ. I feel like she can never trust me again, that is something I will have to live with. I respect her decision. I am grateful to be able to have the friendship I have with her now. I feel we have grown closer together now, she knows things about me that I don't tell to many people. I pray that we continue to grow in an everlasting friendship that will last forever no matter what happens. I really want to grow in getting to know her; we work great together in witnessing to people and serving Gods will. I pray that God will combine or strengths so that we may come into situations were we can work together to better His will. That is what it's all about and I lost that desire to selfishness and I don't even know what else. Thank You for You're forgiveness and you're Friendship, I also want you to know that I will never abandon you. I will never lose contact with you unless I am stranded in the middle of know were across the world or something and have no way of getting to talk to you. I can say that LaDawn J With Love Kevin