Running The Race

"Everyone goes though this Kevin"

I have heard this from quite a few people. I believe them; I think everyone does go though this. Thing is I have never went though anything like this before. At one point in my life I was the helper, the supporter of friends and family. I was talking to my uncle and mom and they brought up such times in my childhood where I would be holding numerous instant messenger conversations talking to people to and try to help them settle there problems. Some of my friends have had some serious issues, suicidal thoughts, extreme depression, etc. I loved helping people and I was happy that I could encourage a few of my friends NOT to commit suicide.

Suicide is a bit selfish if you ask me, but for the first time I think ever, the thought came to mind. I would NEVER do it, but that thought came to mind. My mom was actually worried that I would. That cut me deep; I would never do that no matter how hard the struggle I am facing is. Lately though I have clearly not been myself. I just now have the balls to talk about this because the thought of what I am going though just scares me and makes my stomach beat, you know the feeling right? That is a feeling of stress, guilt, worry, they all suck badly and it will emotionally drain you.

You don't want to skate, you don't want to talk to anyone, and sometimes you just don't even want to think. What you want to do is sit in a state of no thought because that is better then the thought of what could be going though your mind. I'm digging deep and this entry isn't for anyone but myself honestly I recommend you just stop reading now because it might bring you down, I don't want to do that. I however need to be honest with where my heart has been the past two weeks and some. This journal is to document my Journey to Christ, it isn't always going to be lucky charms, and sometimes you end up with fruit loops or even worse fruity pebbles:-X. I am coming out of this funk slowly but surely, I still have some downtime but nothing like I was going though. Let me break down the details to this story.

"Let go and let God handle it, Beau"

"You have to give it to God Kevin"

"Trust the Lord"

-Jeff Lipko Senior, Holly Catt, LaDawn McGinnis,

I have always been an upbeat guy, I have never really had depression problems, and I always look at the bright side of a situation most of the time. I never let anything in this world bring me down to a point where I couldn't look past and move on.

I have had thoughts about my faith that are not my own, feelings of unbelief, feelings of doubt, sins I feel can't be forgiven, feelings of the holy spirit saying see you later Kevin, questioning my salvation, holding on to faith, being spiritually high, spiritually nothing. No sleeping, very little eating, no personality, no positive emotion, envy, jealously, sometimes I have felt throughout these two weeks that I can't not even Love! Anxiousness was NEVER a problem with me up until the past few weeks, some days I just break down and pull my hair and yell to god JUST TAKE THESE THOUGHTS AWAY LORD! I did that a few mornings in my living room when no one was home. It all comes down to trusting in God, and not taking on things your self, why is that so hard for me? I hate having to fight my thoughts all the time and I can't do it anymore, I never had this problem before and lately it has hit me like none other.

Ask anyone and they will tell you I am a very independent person, I often don't rely on anyone to do anything for me. The funk I have been going though was so bad that I fell deep, I didn't talk to anyone, not even my best friends, and I hated looking at my cell phone and seeing what was going on in the world. I just needed to cut myself off I felt like. So the days I was home by myself I read and I read and I read, anything that could help me. I have pumped so much biblical knowledge into my brain I could tell you quite a few viewpoints on book of Hebrews, some things that Jesus taught, so forth and so on. The good news is I hit rock bottom, and now I am picking myself back up. "I never knew you" That is scary sometimes that comes to mind and makes me just go down. Thoughts like "This isn't real Kevin, this is just a way to keep you in check with your morals" Yeah that is selfishness knocking at the door, however I know that it isn't truth my mind can wonder and think whatever but I know deep in my heart Christ is saying whatever Kevin you don't believe that.

Ask anyone and they will tell you I am a social person, love talking to people and helping people, well not as of lately its been horrible :-x

I got over some of those thoughts, only by the grace of the Lord, his love is unconditional and this is true J. I have had thoughts of being like the Pharisees just living by the law and not trusting in Jesus to just shine though me. That leads me to my main problem overall, just not trusting in the Lord. I try to do everything myself and I can't do it. I just can't whoever is reading this is probably thinking well DUH Kevin. You know what I know okay, and I am coming out of this slump, even though every time I wake up after sleeping I feel that feeling of emptiness and despair at least it is not lasting all day like it was before. I am really trying to keep this as simple as possible because it isn't easy to talk about, I could go into a lot more detail but I really do not want to do that.

A few rock bottom moments happened recently; one was listening to the Bible and having thoughts of denial of everything. Another instance was in Big Irish Mikes car while outside Nate's house waiting for him to get home, LaDawn was looking at the stars BIM was listening to the mp3 player and I was in the backseat beating myself up over the hurdles I was trying to jump over myself. I felt like I was going to hell, there is no hope for me. I had no personality that night, I was pretty quiet and really depressed, I got a little better in my spirits when we went to see the movie Terminator salvation but during the movie I couldn't help but put myself in the movie and figure well if it was me I would die and go to Hell.. I have grieved the Holy Spirit so much that He has just abandoned me that's it no turning back now. If you couldn't see it on my face I did a good job of covering up my emotions inside.

Sometime happened to me Friday that has never happened to me before, I PROMISE YOU I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, It was about 12ish or something, I had just got done talking to LaDawn who told me she had just got a job at Showplace East after talking to Debbie, I was happy for her. I was miserable for myself at the same time, at about that time I put a blanket over my head and just tried to sleep, sleeping has not been easy for me, I keep waking up anxious and I just have to try to dose back off again. So I lay there and I just think about Jesus and I try to see something. I see small sparkles of light and then at one point I had a vision. This vision might have been a dream but I can't be sure I lost all sense of time and I just saw a girl I used to work with give me a gift it was Katie from Showplace, she just gave me this gift, it was in a gift bag. Well I took the gift bag and said thanks and then I looked and it was a brand new Mp3 player. It was nice probably twice as good as the one I have now, and then all the sudden I could not find it. I was looking for it and at the same time I was thinking about God, God is on my mind all the time even in my sleep. I woke up and or snapped out of it and I try to put the thought to mind, was God trying to tell me something?

I had another instance right afterwards, I put the shift back over my head and this time I was attacked and it was like nothing I have ever felt in my entire life! My body started becoming numb I remember my legs fell asleep and my whole body then went paralyzed, it was pitch dark because I had the shirt over my head and my heart was about to thump out of my chest. I was panicked and at that point I have never felt so helpless, so alone, so scared, I couldn't see what was happening and I could not call out to anyone. In my mind I thought Jesus Christ and I kept saying it pretty soon I snapped out of it and jumped up in a sweat. I was so scared I thought I was possessed by Demons or something. I am almost positive I was under attack and once I called on Jesus everything was normal again.

Sometimes I would get these thoughts of just not liking God at all, I don't want those thoughts but they came to mind. I always told myself though that I am the reason I am in the state of mind that I am in, God has nothing to do with it. God has nothing to do with 9/11 or any of the other disasters that have happened in our time. God wants to save us from such chaos that is the whole purpose of His Son DYING FOR US!

After that I started coming back up in my faith, I however am still getting a bit anxious when I wake up from sleep with worry. I feel though God is working in my life slowly, bringing me back to a better state then I was before. Today I went to church with my uncle and the preacher prayed for me, I felt a since of peace, I went to bed and then got up freaking out again. Comparing myself to others doe not help to much either, I really got to cut that out and not be so anxious, God works on his watch and I just have to trust him to get me out of this mess. Honestly though I have never felt so low these past two weeks then I have. I have so much to say but I don't want to write a novel about this I just wanted to document a few of my struggles, I have more but yeah that is a few.

I really want God to convict me of my sin, He has indeed. Satan has stayed away from me because my own mind has been bringing me down, The challenge for me is to let go, and I am that is the good news I am slowly letting go of all this crap. LaDawn suggested I read some faith building books, what came to mind one night is that God didn't have to create us or give us a chance to be with Him but He did because He loves us! So much that He sent his Son down to die so that we can become worthy though Jesus!

I thank all my friends and family for your prayers that have helped me start working my way up the mountain, I am starting to slowly come back up and I appreciate everything from everyone. I got love for my friends. Even the friends that don't love me back. Coming back to life is an uplifting experience when you have felt dead, I have not fully recovered from this hit I have kind of brought on myself but I believe in time the Lord is going to bring me out of it as long as I can continue to let go.

Life should be enjoyable, not anything like I am putting myself though.
Though God anything is possible.
The Journey Continues

I have faith J

God has my back.. Always and forever