Running The Race

Edit the Sad Parts is probably the only Modest Mouse song I can actually get into. The reason could be because it was a song in Jeff Stockwells awesome edit in Steal This Video. The song flows and I can defiantly dig it.

It has been quite a bumpy ride I must say…

In the course of a month I managed to do a lot of things I should not have done. I lived in a pool of sin, in more then one way, I actually hurt someone that really cared for me. I acted to fast in a situation that I should have taken slow. I actually got some advice from a biblical counselor that really helped me out though; it gave me a different outlook on the situation. What is better is that it gave me hope. LaDawn and I had been dating for two months, she revealed that I wasn't fully committed and perhaps that is true. Full commitment is not easy though; it just doesn't come to you and say here I am! That takes a lot of work and it takes time.

Someone told me that from that start it wasn't going to work, that I jumped the gun and moved to fast, in so many words. They also said you need to take time and develop a strong friendship before engaging in a relationship. My gosh that is so true; I have never been the one to jump into a relationship and just set sail. This time I did why do you say? Well I thought God was leading us long a path of foreverness together. We did some things we shouldn't do, and that my friend was another big no no. She might think it was blasphemous about what I said that God brought us together, however I still don't think that. I took precautions and the way things came about, just doesn't make sense. I think He did bring us together for some purpose or friendship or something else.

My pastor said that anything someone says "seldom I have never been accused at something that wasn't three percent true. " I really agree with that and as I look to apply that in my life I will grow stronger as a person and better as a disciple of Christ.

So what happened, well someone told me it was just my hormones, I say no to that, even though my hormones are raging a lot of the time. No there was more then that holding us together. I have love for LaDawn, if I didn't have love for her I wouldn't of did or say any of the things I did say or do. There wasn't an alternative motive for my care, I took care of you out of kindness and love. One thing I got away from was God, Satan played foursquare in my heart. She never knew this but I my relationship with God was distant. I put her before God, and I know she wouldn't want me to do that but I did.. and it took me down.. way down..

You see when you abandon Christ.. You lose what you had, or at least I lost it. My peace felt gone and even though I knew God was there, I was not seeing him; until I came to repentance and got back on track I didn't feel his love. His Discipline and helping me see the error of my ways though was showing me Love, I know I am a child of God.. It is awesome.

I was scared of the commitment and indecisive about it I started contemplating things like is this to soon? Is this what I want right now? Well I can say that putting God on a waiting list is NOT what I wanted. I need to learn to find balance and that is one thing I will learn to do in time. I also have learned that I need to be well rooted in Christ before engaging in an intimate relationship. I wasn't, perhaps she was, but I wasn't. Someone told me that until you sleep with a girl you probably aren't going to have a relationship with them. That is about the biggest load of crap I have ever heard and to think I might have bought into that if God didn't tap me on the shoulder and say "what cha doing kevin?"

Her insecurities bothered me but I realized she was just nervous about our relationship. At least I hope that was it, insecurity will bring you down, I go though it sometimes and if she really suffers from it I hope God will help her heal and just take that away. Sometimes I felt like I needed space and I didn't give it to myself because I put her feelings first. I am sorry I didn't say anything LaDawn, again communication is something I have also learned. I have learned how to communicate better and not to keep anything like that inside but to share it. It probably doesn't help that I have had a commitment problem in relationships either. I think taking it slower will fix that as well and not trying to put my whole future right in my face. Sometimes that can be scary and overwhelming but other times it can be the greatest feeling.

I care for LaDawn, I want us to grow and have the BEST FRIENDSHIP EVER, and if you think about why I did what I did well in the long run well it is Agape love, which sometimes hurts but it is a choice to do what is best for another person, (Gods Will) I needed to do this to help get back on my spiritual life, to get better rooted in Christ, to be able to really know. It wasn't fair to do what I did to her. I miss her and I love being around her we have good times and I want those to continue.

If I could go back in time…

I would have slowed down; I would still just be friends and grow in a friendship with LaDawn. We started out as strong as friends and then I did stuff and said stuff and just pushed myself out of the whole situation. It would of saved so much pain, and suffering to just slowed down and not acted so strongly so fast. I perverted the relationship like sticking dirt in a clear glass of water. I have learned that now and forever I will know. Thems growing pains..

She says never again will that relationship take place, I agree I never want to go back to who I was but who I am growing into, A person of Christ. I feel like she can never trust me again, that is something I will have to live with. I respect her decision. I am grateful to be able to have the friendship I have with her now. I feel we have grown closer together now, she knows things about me that I don't tell to many people. I pray that we continue to grow in an everlasting friendship that will last forever no matter what happens. I really want to grow in getting to know her; we work great together in witnessing to people and serving Gods will. I pray that God will combine or strengths so that we may come into situations were we can work together to better His will. That is what it's all about and I lost that desire to selfishness and I don't even know what else.

Thank You for You're forgiveness and you're Friendship,

I also want you to know that I will never abandon you. I will never lose contact with you unless I am stranded in the middle of know were across the world or something and have no way of getting to talk to you. I can say that LaDawn J

With Love

Kevin