Have you ever seen that show Xavier on adult swim? Okay I totally can't get into the show but Dustin loves it.. Lately I have been hanging out with Dustin and Brian a lot.. I can't say I haven't had my fun either.. because it has been a blast.. but something just isn't right here..
The best way I can describe myself right now is I am split in two differnt directions.. one being my Christ life and another being a life that I once lived.. lets just be honest.. I have relasped bigtime into my past self.. I wake up everyday and feel low.. almost the lowest of the low..
I don't feel like I have direction anymore honestly.. I have done things that I shouldn't of done.. and yes there is major guilt there.. I have been living my life.. for selfish purposes.. and it just does not feel all that great..
So many people are trying to look out for me.. and I don't even have time to check my voicemail because I am too busy doing crap I shouldn't be doing.. honestly I feel like I have fallen and I can't get up.. My prayer life has been absoultly non- exsistant over the course of a month..
Throughout this spill one thing led to another.. and I lost something that I held pretty strong to myself... that was my virginity.. I don't blame anyone but myself for this.. because I did the deed.. I willingly had sex.. twice in the course of 6 hours or so..
I have sinned.. oh have I done it..
Last night I was at Jesse's and we were all just chillen.. we had been hanging out there for awhile.. and all the sudden I just went into this mode.. I can't descibe is except no one else was there.. I was all alone.. left with guilt of my actions.. I had a moment were I felt this isn't right.. you know it.. what the heck are you doing Kevin.. what would Christ think of you right now Kevin.. this moment of time elasped for about 2 mins but it felt like years..
I snapped out of it.. and at one point just went outside to check my voice mails.. my mother had called me and I needed to catch up on them.. Turns out I could of done a editing job at CFC for Tech ministry.. if only I answered my phone six days prior.. I got a call from Josh Shuler too.. just calling to check up on me and see how I was doing.. Brian Janiagan also called me too.. seeing if I was coming to small group and how I was..
You know.. I suck at life sometimes.. real bad.. and at this moment.. it kind of hit me .. all the while Jesse kept popping his head out asking what I was doing ..
Well eventually my phone died.. I sat idle on Jesses sofa for awhile then dropped Dustin off and headed home.. I texted LD and talked to her for awhile.. then she sent me a text that almost made me cry right there.. I havn't had tears for a long time.. but this was a moment that just made me freeze.. I felt my eyes getting heavy.. after all I went though that night.. I think that topped the evening.. her just saying she is always there for me.. and lookin back on my phone calls that I didn't get too till a week after.. I felt moved.. I still feel confused.. but I know whats right..
I know what I believe in..
My focus should be Christ.. and I am not just saying that to say it.. thats what it should be.. I just find it really hard right now to put my focus into action.. but friends help.. they really do.. I would just like to thank those who have told me what I needed to hear.. those who truly care..
My dreams descibe best what I am going though.. living by the worlds rules.. vs living by Gods.. its a constant struggle.. and it haunts me in my sleep..
so.. I sense something is going to happen.. its for the best..
For sale on eBay: Obama's 'Kenyan birth certificate'
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This comes to no suprise to me..
They got a one up on everyone..
Let’s begin with the words
If you are going to do what you are doing, don’t do it here, find somewhere else to live.
This is pretty big deal, almost as if you were watching Degrassi and Spike caught Emma doing drugs, she got so ridiculous she just kept disrespecting her mom, stealing from her, abusing her mentally almost to the point were she said listen, I love you.. you are my daughter.. but you have got to go..
Basketball Diaries with Leonardo Decaperio, he was all into drugs and finally had a coke condition he couldn’t control.. his mom gave him the boot..
For me its helping someone.. well helping two people..
One of those people being my Dad…
Cue back story..
Time: childhood years 1994-2003
Setting: I moved a lot so around
Story: Growing up I never really had the dad I wanted to have, my dad was an alcoholic, and I can say he was really never there for me or my sister. I watched a lot of TV back in my younger years and I always watched shows like Step By Step and all these movies were the dad played a key roll in bringing up the kids. I would watch the dad go play baseball with his son, take him fishing, take him to the movies, etc. I never knew what that was like, I had a dad that would take me to the movie store to get a videogame, or a dad that would turn the TV on for me while he went out and did yard work.
When my parents split up for good I would go to my dad’s house and hang out with him. We would rent movies, and that is about it. I didn’t talk to my dad about a lot of things, for one I wasn’t really comfortable. As I got older I became uncomfortable at some of the conversations he would have with me. I don’t want to mention what they were because that isn’t really necessary, just know as a 13 or 14 year old kid it was uncomfortable to see him acting the way he was.
He never really made the phone calls, I always did, I was the one who always wanted to spend time with him, I wanted to get closer to him, he just didn’t really feel all that up for it. He was never there for me. Looking back on my life and the times I suffered though he was never there to comfort me, to give me advice, to bring me up, he never did any of that. I remember I was in the hallway crying because I didn’t have a caring dad, my mom cried with me. My dad had all he needed and that was his whiskey, which was the reality of the situation. He chose alcohol over his kids, not only did he do that but he also manipulated my feelings, my sisters, and my moms. He would call and I would feel so sorry for him that he was alone, that he was going though the things he was going though. I was so upset when I heard how miserable he was.
I spent a lot of years feeling sorry for him. As I got older I realized that James K Catt did all this to himself. I wasn’t feeling sorry for him now; I was feeling angry at him now. I remember one day I was at
I didn’t care anymore I let him go and subtracted him from my life. I kept in touch with him a little bit but honestly not that much, I spend months not talking to him and even longer not seeing him. He can have his misery pit and leave me out of it; yep that is how I played it.
Then I came to know Jesus Christ, and that all changed
I started talking to my dad in a new way, a way he was quite familiar with. I planted God all over him and he felt it bad. My dad used to be a Christian, knows the bible very well, he just drifted away.. It is had to see where he stands with Christ, I don’t know if he really believes everything or what. He saw what was happening to me and that reminded him of what happened to him back when he was saved.
I have been praying that my Dad would find God or God would just give him some spiritual awakening. I prayed that prayer for a long time. I still do pray that prayer because I know though God anything is possible.
Lately I have been talking to my dad, one night I even went up to his house at 2:00 in the morning just to talk to him, I don’t know what it was.. I was with LaDawn and I was thinking of somewhere we could go.. and it just popped into my mind my dad, I was just going to go and maybe leave a note or something.. he ended up being up though.. almost like God had planned it.
He even told me he usually isn’t up that late but he was that night for some reason.. hah
That night I was on fire, even though at the time my faith was a little shaky I still went it there and got deep with him. He was drunk, but the impact was still felt.. I had not seen my dad before this for I would say at least 5 months maybe longer. He had lost a lot of weight and looked different to me, not healthy. It took me by surprise but he would have never known by how well I played it off.
About a month or two later we are in the now, I feel like my prayers might just be getting answered, his girlfriend is being convicted and is turning to God, very slowly, and my Dad doesn’t want to lose her in his life so he told me he is giving up drinking. That is hard to believe, but if God is at work here I can believe it. What I hope to happen is she comes to Christ and redeems that relationship and then my dad sees that and comes to terms again with the truth. I don’t think that’s what he thinks is going to happen but that is just what I am hoping.
I talked to his girlfriend a few nights ago, really told her why God made us, our reason here, and how easy it is to come to know the Lord, I gave her some tips on how to strengthen her faith, (knock on wood) and I told her I would pray with her. I told her to spend just 10 mins a night really talking to God, and just read a few chapters in John, if she would just call out with a little bit of faith things would start to change. Well I talked to her tonight and it didn’t seem like things were going smooth but I wouldn’t know cause I had to end the conversation, my mom had came outside and demanded that I hand the phone over to her and this is where fathers day gets sticky..
My mom got very emotional; she was very upset at what I have been doing. She doesn’t like me taking to my dad because she knows he has brought lots of pain in both of our lives, she doesn’t want me to get hurt. I can see that somewhat. She said it was disrespectful to her, that I was talking to both of these people, one being my father.
Let me just say that after I came to know God, He did something in my life; He gave me strength in patience and willingness to forgive. I explained this to my mom; she said she didn’t have that with my dad.
I told my mom I really think God is working in this situation, there is to much happening here it seems like for it to not add up. I told her I am just trying to help him. She couldn’t understand it, she really couldn’t see it. I am 22 years old and I am not going to get hurt by my father like I used to, she doesn’t see that.
She feels like she is going to be brought into it and it is just going to add stress in her life or something. She really cut my heart a few times I am not going to lie, I have never made a scene the way I did. I lost control and started throwing things.. and then walked out of the house and just went to the backyard I couldn’t hang.. I am just trying to help my dad and I am being condemned for it. Cody came outside and offered some words of encouragement. He is a real dude and I love him.
I told her I wouldn’t talk about it anymore but she took it a step further. She said if I am going to try to handle this stuff or help with it at least, I need not do it at her house, meaning she wants me to move out. I froze at that point, I got nowhere else to go. My uncle did offer I could stay at his house, but I have heard this before..
Conclusion: I don’t think she meant what she said but man.. what an emotional rollercoaster ride.
:I have come to find out some other things.. that the girl my dad is dating is not a fan of my mom.. that could have been what triggered the whole thing.. I love her.. and she loves me.. she loves me so much she doesn’t want to see my dad to hurt me emotionally.. regardless of what he has done to me.. I still got love for him.. and I want him to be happy..
That is the unconditional love that God brings to you.. maybe things will change this time around.. maybe they won’t.. The good news is she isn’t going to kick me out of the house.. she just doesn’t want anything to do with it.. which.. I don’t blame her.. so I am not going to mention anything to her about it anymore..
I love my Mom so much.. She is wonderful.. God has really blessed me..
Back when I was really young I tended to go on all sorts of adventures, I remember as a kid I was always outside doing something, the only time I was when the weather was to extreme to go outside, at that point I would get my fix of Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. I road a bike, walked, ran, water gun wars, I often just would go to the playground and just think about things. I had really good friends growing up, we shared some great times.
One thing I would do is reflect on the past, I was always thinking about past memories, especially spending a year in Grayville
Emotions are a gift from God; I love what God has blessed me with, the ability to Love. He works in ways I will NEVER understand. I am really started to grow as a Christian I feel, I have made a ton of mistakes but who doesn’t honestly? God led me to a small group for my spiritual help last Tuesday. It really is crazy how it happened.. I was going to the truth project over at cfc, it was advertised in the bulletin so I figured I check it out. Thing about it was the truth project wasn’t meeting at cfc.. I didn’t know this..
So I get to CFC and I go to the Gym and see David in the café. I catch up with him for a few and ask him if he by chance new where the truth project was meeting. He didn’t know but he did see some guys coming in.. well I looked all over the place so eventually I went upstairs and ran into a men’s small group, the age range was all over the place and I saw Fred there so I said hey, and asked if this is where the truth project was being held.
One man said no, but we did the truth project in this group and it was great..
I left and went outside and called the guy in charge.. he didn’t answer but I left a message .. then I sat down in a chair by the elevator and I prayed.. I thought about the circumstances here.. and then I said Lord if this is what you want for me okay ill go in.
So I went back to the group, they invited me to hang out and kick it with them. Turns out that they were starting a fresh course and were taking a vote on what to study.. also they don’t usually meet at CFC but they did this particular week. One of the guys said if I stayed in the group he would give me the truth project, plus I would get to join in on there study. At that point everything added up.. I was suppose to be here.. We voted and the vote turned to a study on James.. haha God called me out big time and I responded..
I’m happy about that.. really I am everyone is really cool and I am looking forward to really getting into this.. that isn’t it though God spoke to me though David as he usually did tonight..
Don’t do things that will allow others to stumble in there walk.. Something I have picked up from the message.. also The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love that’s Galatians 5:6
I hung out with Aaron and Kaliegh and Brittany and then Bill came by for a bit as well at Kaliegh’s house. I saw Kathy and caught up with her as well. It was one of the best evenings I have had in a long time. I felt like I was reliving some ol times, I missed those times and it makes me smile that we could all get together and kick it, relax and just have a good time. KJ went to
It was a good night, I about passed out on the couch.. and ended up going into work at 4 A.M and working till 8 A.M.
I have been faced with a few decisions, they aren’t easy ones to choose, one of them would probably send me on an adventure that would be one of those never forgetting experiences.. the other one well it’s a mystery because I never know what is going to happen..
I have backslide pretty far..
I got some things I need to work on..
Lord help me..
"I was deeply moved.. shaken.. It almost felt like I was him, or her"
That is how I felt.. when I walked in the life of someone with HIV/Aids.. Someone who didn't have all that we have.. someone who was suffering.. fearing for there lives day by day and not knowing who would be there for them.. not knowing any hope.. not hearing any good news..
It was about two or three weeks ago..maybe a month.. I was at CFC on a Sunday morning.. For some reason I didn't get to make it out on Saturday night so I went into the 9 A.M service that Sunday morning. This was probably about the time I started backsliding on my faith.. I was update but seems like Church always does good.. It always brings me in a state of peace .. After the service I went up to the Media desk to get a Sermon for LaDawn, and then someone called out my name.. I looked and she was seeing if I wanted to volunteer to for the World Visons Experience: AIDS.
Mike had made an announcement and had a video played during one of the evening services.. I was somewhat moved but honestly at the time I was worried about other things.. This was when Swine Flu was all over the place and people were freaking out.. Needless to say I was not to focused on Swine Flu..or Aids..
So I took about five seconds to think about it and said sure I will help I can build and that would seem like a good time.. So I signed up to help setup the exhibit Saturday, May 30th at 8:00 A.M.
The days would play out.. I did not think to much about it the next two weeks or something.. Then I got a call from Zach Mullet talking about going to Earth Crisis show in Louisville..
It almost slipped my mind that he was talking about going to this show back in March one night when we were chatting right after Service. I said ya I am down to go.. I love Earth Crisis and Louisville was not a bad drive at all from Evansville.. May 26th we headed out.. it was a interesting trip up.. we got a bit detoured but we managed to make it to Uncle Pleasents.. I spot Lee right when I get into the venue area and say hey.. Apparently there were only three bands playing instead of 5 and 1 had alreadly played so we caught walls of jerichos set.. which kicked.. Female vocals in a hardcore band is hot... no doubt..
So I grab a coke.. Drink up and get ready for Earth Crisis! The first song they played was off there new album.. it kicked! After that they played All Out War off there first ablum.. BRUTAL .. Then some guy ran into a guy and a guy ran into.. hit me just the right spot.. cause as I fell so did my shoulder.. Fell right out of socket..
Since this has happend 8 times before I knew what was going on.. Yet I still managed to have that face like I was about to die.. Clayton Long knows this face best.. I remember 1123.. It was the 2nd time Outbreak had came to town... Straight and Alert was playing and it was the first time they did a hardcore fast verison of Dirty Deeds by AC/DC. Well I love AC/DC so you know I was running around crazy doing stage dives and fallen into people..
Brad Long got on the floor.. and lifted his back up.. I ran towards him and jumped off his back.. I went so far that I flew over the crowd that I was suppose to fall on.. hit my shoulder against Adam Knobletts amp and there we have it.. the 2nd time I dislocated my shoulder.. Clayton fell on me and had this look in his eyes that he was about to kill me.. then he realized I was in shock and helped me up..
Anyway.. So at that point I make my way out of the venue.. and eventually make it back to the car.. Zach drove us back and LaDawn took me to get it put back in.. as you know..
So now I got a bum shoulder and I really can't work at building the World Vison stuff.. on top of that I had to go into work that morning at 4 and work till 8.. So I called CFC and was just like I'm sorry I disclocated my shoulder and can't help.. but I can volenteer to work the experience.. She set me up with Wednesday June 3rd I said cool..
While all of this was going on I had been praying for the Lord just to use me.. Nothing makes me more happy then when God uses me for whatever He wants me to do..
That morning I went in at 9:00 to train.. I hadn't slept the night before because I thought I had to work.. even though they called me off.. I had also been at Bill Burkes most the night.. so by the time I did get tired.. I just said whatever because it was almost time to go..
When I heard what World Vison was all about I started feeling really excited.. I don't know what it was but I hadn't felt this way for a while..Once we were shown what World Vision was about we went back to the Exhibit and got our positions .. I was Bouncer.. which sounds like someone that would throw you out but no.. It was signing people into the exhibit..
Before we started work we went though.. one of the four people that you can go to see.. I went though with a open mind.. but once I put those headphones on.. and stepped into Aferica.. Something happend..
I almost felt as if I was this child.. that was the whole point.. I put myself and my family in the situation that this poor kid was going though.. and it gave me chills.. it touched my heart.. I then realized.. that my life.. what I have.. oh my gosh.. What a jerk I have been not to apperciate what I have..
By the time I made it though the whole thing.. I was changed.. I felt God really putting this on my heart..
I then thought about my life.. What God has done in it.. He has done so much.. He has blessed me so much.. My life would not be anything without him.. I thought about the job He brought to me.. and I thought.. you know what .. I am doing this.. The first child I saw when I left was the one I picked.. Her name is Marion.. and I am now sponsering her.. It feels great to do be doing this.. I know God will use my Money to really bless this child and the community to where she lives..
The whole experience has really gave me a new mindset.. and its helped me grow.. What a blessing..
God works in amazing ways =)
Right now chilling at Billy's talking about Samuel, his two wives thing...
Today has been interesting I must say.. I went to the library and checked out a Sopranos Soundtrack, a Brian Adams CD, and a Book influencing about Jesus. Pretty sweet stuff.. I also ran into someone that I know that works at a Gas Station.. apparently he is going though some hard times.. Pray for him and his marriage, he has two kids and his wife is just constantly trying to bail on the whole deal after 10 years.
I felt kind of intimidated to talk to him at first, but I broke that.. which doesn't happen to often, usually when I feel that way I just shrug is off and keep walking but finally I just said okay I don't know whats up here but I am going to talk to this guy. Maybe this is God talking to me, maybe all those times I ignored that feeling it was him saying, "Go talk to him, see whats up, you probably can encourage him in some way or another."
Before I went out today I did pray that God would use me in one way or another.. Pretty sure that was it.. Seems like every time I did pray for that God wanted to use me.. but for some reason I just bailed.. I am going to change that up real quick starting today.. today was good.. tomorrow is a new day.. :-)
I talked to my mom last night.. Real deep one on one .. with some assist by Cody.. it really got me thinking about some of the emotions I have been feeling, and how to realistically handle the situation.. I kind of put my emotions in check with my brain..
life is getting better again..
I just don't know what He wants me to do.. just yet..
Jaws is classic movie.. One of my personal favs from the 70's.. Spielberg Classic
Starcraft II pre-order.. Oh man I can't wait till November!
So I went to get some books from the library like a few weeks ago and I saw this number to a dentistry, that's crazy because I need teeth work done bad.. My left Wisdom tooth is like gone, and I am kinda nervous because I feel like there is a hole in my gum or something..
God made it abundantly clear I believe.. I just got to act on this..
Work is going smooth I suppose, these hours though just make my social life nothing.. Considering the people I hang with have day jobs or are out in the day.. I am at home usually sleeping my days away just so I can prep up for work that night. I have to go in tonight at midnight which I did not see coming but I was just like alright..
I was suppose to hang out with Abbi yesterday but I had to cancel so I could get some sleep.. I went to bed around 5ish and woke up at little after 10 and that was it off to races again. Showered put on the dockers and tie and ran out the door.. Thortans run followed by work.
Went to CVS after that and picked up some razors and other things. I chatted with the perfume and makeup lady for about ten mins. She has good taste and she sold me on some good smelling stuff.. Ran by great american bagal and grabbed some grub followed by Showplace.. Chatted with Debbie for a while and left a bagal for LaDawn.. I thought "you know nothing starts the day like a nice delious bagal.." So hopefully that got her day going the way she wanted it too..
Home life is alright.. I feel like my uncle is getting better and we actually went to metro christian center last sunday. Woah it was intense but not as intense as Good Sheaperd was yesterday, I have never seen such energy in a church, it reminded me of the movie churches you see in the Movies, cept this was real. No doubt the Holy Spirit was everywhere.. Almost made me get up and break it down.. But at that point I didn't want to draw attention to myself. My whole family pretty much actually got baptized by the Pastor who used to have a church in Princeton.. He got away from my sight after the service so I didn't get a chance to talk to him.. But I will fo sho..
After the service I met a guy named mark, who introduced me around.. I just started talking and pretty soon I ran into a guy named Neil, we probably talked for about 36 1/2 mins or something... Real good dude, I think we are going to kick it sometime..
So I think I will go to CFC on Saturday Night and Good Shepard on Sunday.. I like these two churches that much..
I might hit up small group tonight if I get up in time.. We will see what happens there..
Oh yeah I dislocated my shoulder at the Earth Crisis show in Louisville.. this will be number 9! lol I shouldn't laugh but man I suck at life when it comes to my shoulder... Zach Mullet drove us home.. but that wasn't very fun considering he kept like driving off the side of the road onto that bummpy pavement that is suppose to wake you up.. either that or he was over the line.. I was a bit nervous but I kept focus on keeping my arm comfortable for the ride home.. Somehow by the gace of God I didn't suffer to much.. In fact I almost fell asleep until I felt a sharp pain..
LaDawn being the good friend she is took me to ER.. Witnessed me doped up on Morphine and probably heard me say things I probably wouldn't care to remember.. I hope she doesn't think I forgot about the IPOD because I am still buying it lol. If you are reading this LaDawn, I be buying that IPOD soon so shine it up and get it ready for me =)
Drag Me to Hell was a Sam Rami instant classic, Billy would marry that movie if it were a Female fo sho..
I have no idea were God is leading me, but I'm just going with it.. He knows my heart and I hope he has big plans for me in the future. I been reading the purpose driven life and it is getting interesting..
As tired as I am I don't want to go to bed..
But I think I will
P B W Y
-Kev
Sometimes you just laugh.. You laugh at situations you get into.. You laugh at the past.. you laugh at the present.. You just laugh..
This song was playing my in my head all though out my shift last night..
ELO has became a embedded sound in me.. thanks to my dearest Mother. It speaks a lot though. This song has some real meaning to me..
I can't get it out of my head.
Ever since I came to know Christ I have found myself constantly at change. When you begin to not care about what the world cares about you start to really appreciate and understand what Christ is doing inside you. When Christ shows you LOVE oh my gosh.. Nothing compares...
I have always thought I was the guy to show love, before I stepped foot into the mystery method I was always the nice guy. Then I found out thanks to a Green Day song that Nice Guys finished last.. Well that is what I thought..
Thing is Nice Guys don't finish last. Nice guys end up with Nice Girls. Girls you can be honest with, girls you can share a mature relationship with, and Girls that just admire you for who you are, not who you attempt to be.
Ah I have a lot to learn..
As I continue to live I continue to grow, I really have started to begin to know what Love is, what Love isn't. I in fact constantly analyze my emotions just to see if I do know what Love is, how to express it, how to show it. I have bitter selfishness that sometimes doesn't let go, until you let it go. What I am learning about everything is to just let go.
SIMPLE? hah yeah right. Let go of your anger when someone is verbally driving a stake in your mouth. Let go when you are consistently only looking at you're side of a two sided picture. Let go of your technology for awhile. TV, Facebook, Blogger..
It isn't easy, I found out the hard way what not letting go can do to you. Not letting go can leave you in a state on unhealthy confusion, frustration, jealously and envy.
What do I do? I let it go. I don't act on selfish desires, but that of Gods.
I can't tell you what is happening here, but something is happening.
Everything happens for a reason..
EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW IS HAPPENING FOR A REASON
Not trying to get ahead of myself, but dang.. after taking time to analyze things.. and continuing to take time to analyze things.. I feel like I see were all my problems were, lol I laugh at it now because it was so ignorant. I laugh now because I am started to realize what fueled emotional issues from the start..
I may just have to type something out, that really reflects my feelings. Just when you thought you knew what was up God throws something else at you about your past. When I tend to let out my feelings to God, seems like he tends to show me something I missed. Thank the Lord he shows me, otherwise I would of overlooked such crap.
I am Kevin Catt
I am 22 years Old
I have great friends
I have a wonderful family
I want to one day have a family of my own (Unless God sees otherwise)
I want God to direct my path.
I want to be more like Jesus Christ.
I will love uncondiatinally :-)
God has blessed me with so much
A great Job
Wonderful Mother
Wonderful Friends
Wonderful Followers of Christ
Pretty much a wonderful life.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God
Trust.
Faith
Love =)
"Everyone goes though this Kevin" I have heard this from quite a few people. I believe them; I think everyone does go though this. Thing is I have never went though anything like this before. At one point in my life I was the helper, the supporter of friends and family. I was talking to my uncle and mom and they brought up such times in my childhood where I would be holding numerous instant messenger conversations talking to people to and try to help them settle there problems. Some of my friends have had some serious issues, suicidal thoughts, extreme depression, etc. I loved helping people and I was happy that I could encourage a few of my friends NOT to commit suicide. Suicide is a bit selfish if you ask me, but for the first time I think ever, the thought came to mind. I would NEVER do it, but that thought came to mind. My mom was actually worried that I would. That cut me deep; I would never do that no matter how hard the struggle I am facing is. Lately though I have clearly not been myself. I just now have the balls to talk about this because the thought of what I am going though just scares me and makes my stomach beat, you know the feeling right? That is a feeling of stress, guilt, worry, they all suck badly and it will emotionally drain you. You don't want to skate, you don't want to talk to anyone, and sometimes you just don't even want to think. What you want to do is sit in a state of no thought because that is better then the thought of what could be going though your mind. I'm digging deep and this entry isn't for anyone but myself honestly I recommend you just stop reading now because it might bring you down, I don't want to do that. I however need to be honest with where my heart has been the past two weeks and some. This journal is to document my Journey to Christ, it isn't always going to be lucky charms, and sometimes you end up with fruit loops or even worse fruity pebbles:-X. I am coming out of this funk slowly but surely, I still have some downtime but nothing like I was going though. Let me break down the details to this story. "Let go and let God handle it, Beau" "You have to give it to God Kevin" "Trust the Lord" -Jeff Lipko Senior, Holly Catt, LaDawn McGinnis, I have always been an upbeat guy, I have never really had depression problems, and I always look at the bright side of a situation most of the time. I never let anything in this world bring me down to a point where I couldn't look past and move on. I have had thoughts about my faith that are not my own, feelings of unbelief, feelings of doubt, sins I feel can't be forgiven, feelings of the holy spirit saying see you later Kevin, questioning my salvation, holding on to faith, being spiritually high, spiritually nothing. No sleeping, very little eating, no personality, no positive emotion, envy, jealously, sometimes I have felt throughout these two weeks that I can't not even Love! Anxiousness was NEVER a problem with me up until the past few weeks, some days I just break down and pull my hair and yell to god JUST TAKE THESE THOUGHTS AWAY LORD! I did that a few mornings in my living room when no one was home. It all comes down to trusting in God, and not taking on things your self, why is that so hard for me? I hate having to fight my thoughts all the time and I can't do it anymore, I never had this problem before and lately it has hit me like none other. Ask anyone and they will tell you I am a very independent person, I often don't rely on anyone to do anything for me. The funk I have been going though was so bad that I fell deep, I didn't talk to anyone, not even my best friends, and I hated looking at my cell phone and seeing what was going on in the world. I just needed to cut myself off I felt like. So the days I was home by myself I read and I read and I read, anything that could help me. I have pumped so much biblical knowledge into my brain I could tell you quite a few viewpoints on book of Hebrews, some things that Jesus taught, so forth and so on. The good news is I hit rock bottom, and now I am picking myself back up. "I never knew you" That is scary sometimes that comes to mind and makes me just go down. Thoughts like "This isn't real Kevin, this is just a way to keep you in check with your morals" Yeah that is selfishness knocking at the door, however I know that it isn't truth my mind can wonder and think whatever but I know deep in my heart Christ is saying whatever Kevin you don't believe that. Ask anyone and they will tell you I am a social person, love talking to people and helping people, well not as of lately its been horrible :-x I got over some of those thoughts, only by the grace of the Lord, his love is unconditional and this is true J. I have had thoughts of being like the Pharisees just living by the law and not trusting in Jesus to just shine though me. That leads me to my main problem overall, just not trusting in the Lord. I try to do everything myself and I can't do it. I just can't whoever is reading this is probably thinking well DUH Kevin. You know what I know okay, and I am coming out of this slump, even though every time I wake up after sleeping I feel that feeling of emptiness and despair at least it is not lasting all day like it was before. I am really trying to keep this as simple as possible because it isn't easy to talk about, I could go into a lot more detail but I really do not want to do that. A few rock bottom moments happened recently; one was listening to the Bible and having thoughts of denial of everything. Another instance was in Big Irish Mikes car while outside Nate's house waiting for him to get home, LaDawn was looking at the stars BIM was listening to the mp3 player and I was in the backseat beating myself up over the hurdles I was trying to jump over myself. I felt like I was going to hell, there is no hope for me. I had no personality that night, I was pretty quiet and really depressed, I got a little better in my spirits when we went to see the movie Terminator salvation but during the movie I couldn't help but put myself in the movie and figure well if it was me I would die and go to Hell.. I have grieved the Holy Spirit so much that He has just abandoned me that's it no turning back now. If you couldn't see it on my face I did a good job of covering up my emotions inside. Sometime happened to me Friday that has never happened to me before, I PROMISE YOU I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, It was about 12ish or something, I had just got done talking to LaDawn who told me she had just got a job at Showplace East after talking to Debbie, I was happy for her. I was miserable for myself at the same time, at about that time I put a blanket over my head and just tried to sleep, sleeping has not been easy for me, I keep waking up anxious and I just have to try to dose back off again. So I lay there and I just think about Jesus and I try to see something. I see small sparkles of light and then at one point I had a vision. This vision might have been a dream but I can't be sure I lost all sense of time and I just saw a girl I used to work with give me a gift it was Katie from Showplace, she just gave me this gift, it was in a gift bag. Well I took the gift bag and said thanks and then I looked and it was a brand new Mp3 player. It was nice probably twice as good as the one I have now, and then all the sudden I could not find it. I was looking for it and at the same time I was thinking about God, God is on my mind all the time even in my sleep. I woke up and or snapped out of it and I try to put the thought to mind, was God trying to tell me something? I had another instance right afterwards, I put the shift back over my head and this time I was attacked and it was like nothing I have ever felt in my entire life! My body started becoming numb I remember my legs fell asleep and my whole body then went paralyzed, it was pitch dark because I had the shirt over my head and my heart was about to thump out of my chest. I was panicked and at that point I have never felt so helpless, so alone, so scared, I couldn't see what was happening and I could not call out to anyone. In my mind I thought Jesus Christ and I kept saying it pretty soon I snapped out of it and jumped up in a sweat. I was so scared I thought I was possessed by Demons or something. I am almost positive I was under attack and once I called on Jesus everything was normal again. Sometimes I would get these thoughts of just not liking God at all, I don't want those thoughts but they came to mind. I always told myself though that I am the reason I am in the state of mind that I am in, God has nothing to do with it. God has nothing to do with 9/11 or any of the other disasters that have happened in our time. God wants to save us from such chaos that is the whole purpose of His Son DYING FOR US! After that I started coming back up in my faith, I however am still getting a bit anxious when I wake up from sleep with worry. I feel though God is working in my life slowly, bringing me back to a better state then I was before. Today I went to church with my uncle and the preacher prayed for me, I felt a since of peace, I went to bed and then got up freaking out again. Comparing myself to others doe not help to much either, I really got to cut that out and not be so anxious, God works on his watch and I just have to trust him to get me out of this mess. Honestly though I have never felt so low these past two weeks then I have. I have so much to say but I don't want to write a novel about this I just wanted to document a few of my struggles, I have more but yeah that is a few. I really want God to convict me of my sin, He has indeed. Satan has stayed away from me because my own mind has been bringing me down, The challenge for me is to let go, and I am that is the good news I am slowly letting go of all this crap. LaDawn suggested I read some faith building books, what came to mind one night is that God didn't have to create us or give us a chance to be with Him but He did because He loves us! So much that He sent his Son down to die so that we can become worthy though Jesus! I thank all my friends and family for your prayers that have helped me start working my way up the mountain, I am starting to slowly come back up and I appreciate everything from everyone. I got love for my friends. Even the friends that don't love me back. Coming back to life is an uplifting experience when you have felt dead, I have not fully recovered from this hit I have kind of brought on myself but I believe in time the Lord is going to bring me out of it as long as I can continue to let go. Life should be enjoyable, not anything like I am putting myself though. I have faith J God has my back.. Always and forever
Though God anything is possible.
The Journey Continues
Super high and Super down.. I have been going though these motions for a few weeks now.. It is .. not so hot..
Satan hates me.. He really does.. He tries so hard to keep me down and sometimes I just feel like giving in.. Then I realize I have done all this to myself..
I have never been depressed I don't think.. Like seriously depressed.. Now and days I feel that.. hard.. sometimes I just don't feel faithful at all.. Sometimes I really have to yell Jesus to get some relief.. to call on Him..
I have made some mistakes.. mistakes I will have to live with.. I wish I could bounce back quick but it seems like its easier said then done..
I want my old self back! I want to help people again... I want to strive to get to know my creator.. there are things in my path.. I need his strength now more then ever..
Aside from this I have learned what Love is.. I'm such a fool.. an absolute fool and every time I think about it.. it renders me aimlessly retarded.. I am such a selfish jerk .. I am such a .... I typed something here but I took that back..
I meant everything I said..
Please everyone pray for me.. I know I will come out of this funk.. it will just take time.. and I have to put effort into coming out of it..
QUIT BEING SELFISH KEVIN... QUIT THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF! BE HAPPY FOR EVERYONE KEVIN...!
I wrote an entry a week ago and thought I was healed.. doesn't happen that quickly..
Kevin you messed up..
but Kevin.. You live you learn..
Be happy.. be selfless..
I need to get away.. but there is no running away from this.. I must face this head on.. and deal with it the best way I can.. the biblical way..
Have Mercy on me Lord.. Forgive me..
Despite my issues, God has a plan for me, reveal it to me oh Lord. I think I know, start saving Kev..
Edit the Sad Parts is probably the only Modest Mouse song I can actually get into. The reason could be because it was a song in Jeff Stockwells awesome edit in Steal This Video. The song flows and I can defiantly dig it. It has been quite a bumpy ride I must say… In the course of a month I managed to do a lot of things I should not have done. I lived in a pool of sin, in more then one way, I actually hurt someone that really cared for me. I acted to fast in a situation that I should have taken slow. I actually got some advice from a biblical counselor that really helped me out though; it gave me a different outlook on the situation. What is better is that it gave me hope. LaDawn and I had been dating for two months, she revealed that I wasn't fully committed and perhaps that is true. Full commitment is not easy though; it just doesn't come to you and say here I am! That takes a lot of work and it takes time. Someone told me that from that start it wasn't going to work, that I jumped the gun and moved to fast, in so many words. They also said you need to take time and develop a strong friendship before engaging in a relationship. My gosh that is so true; I have never been the one to jump into a relationship and just set sail. This time I did why do you say? Well I thought God was leading us long a path of foreverness together. We did some things we shouldn't do, and that my friend was another big no no. She might think it was blasphemous about what I said that God brought us together, however I still don't think that. I took precautions and the way things came about, just doesn't make sense. I think He did bring us together for some purpose or friendship or something else. My pastor said that anything someone says "seldom I have never been accused at something that wasn't three percent true. " I really agree with that and as I look to apply that in my life I will grow stronger as a person and better as a disciple of Christ. So what happened, well someone told me it was just my hormones, I say no to that, even though my hormones are raging a lot of the time. No there was more then that holding us together. I have love for LaDawn, if I didn't have love for her I wouldn't of did or say any of the things I did say or do. There wasn't an alternative motive for my care, I took care of you out of kindness and love. One thing I got away from was God, Satan played foursquare in my heart. She never knew this but I my relationship with God was distant. I put her before God, and I know she wouldn't want me to do that but I did.. and it took me down.. way down.. You see when you abandon Christ.. You lose what you had, or at least I lost it. My peace felt gone and even though I knew God was there, I was not seeing him; until I came to repentance and got back on track I didn't feel his love. His Discipline and helping me see the error of my ways though was showing me Love, I know I am a child of God.. It is awesome. I was scared of the commitment and indecisive about it I started contemplating things like is this to soon? Is this what I want right now? Well I can say that putting God on a waiting list is NOT what I wanted. I need to learn to find balance and that is one thing I will learn to do in time. I also have learned that I need to be well rooted in Christ before engaging in an intimate relationship. I wasn't, perhaps she was, but I wasn't. Someone told me that until you sleep with a girl you probably aren't going to have a relationship with them. That is about the biggest load of crap I have ever heard and to think I might have bought into that if God didn't tap me on the shoulder and say "what cha doing kevin?" Her insecurities bothered me but I realized she was just nervous about our relationship. At least I hope that was it, insecurity will bring you down, I go though it sometimes and if she really suffers from it I hope God will help her heal and just take that away. Sometimes I felt like I needed space and I didn't give it to myself because I put her feelings first. I am sorry I didn't say anything LaDawn, again communication is something I have also learned. I have learned how to communicate better and not to keep anything like that inside but to share it. It probably doesn't help that I have had a commitment problem in relationships either. I think taking it slower will fix that as well and not trying to put my whole future right in my face. Sometimes that can be scary and overwhelming but other times it can be the greatest feeling. I care for LaDawn, I want us to grow and have the BEST FRIENDSHIP EVER, and if you think about why I did what I did well in the long run well it is Agape love, which sometimes hurts but it is a choice to do what is best for another person, (Gods Will) I needed to do this to help get back on my spiritual life, to get better rooted in Christ, to be able to really know. It wasn't fair to do what I did to her. I miss her and I love being around her we have good times and I want those to continue. If I could go back in time… I would have slowed down; I would still just be friends and grow in a friendship with LaDawn. We started out as strong as friends and then I did stuff and said stuff and just pushed myself out of the whole situation. It would of saved so much pain, and suffering to just slowed down and not acted so strongly so fast. I perverted the relationship like sticking dirt in a clear glass of water. I have learned that now and forever I will know. Thems growing pains.. She says never again will that relationship take place, I agree I never want to go back to who I was but who I am growing into, A person of Christ. I feel like she can never trust me again, that is something I will have to live with. I respect her decision. I am grateful to be able to have the friendship I have with her now. I feel we have grown closer together now, she knows things about me that I don't tell to many people. I pray that we continue to grow in an everlasting friendship that will last forever no matter what happens. I really want to grow in getting to know her; we work great together in witnessing to people and serving Gods will. I pray that God will combine or strengths so that we may come into situations were we can work together to better His will. That is what it's all about and I lost that desire to selfishness and I don't even know what else. Thank You for You're forgiveness and you're Friendship, I also want you to know that I will never abandon you. I will never lose contact with you unless I am stranded in the middle of know were across the world or something and have no way of getting to talk to you. I can say that LaDawn J With Love Kevin
I have accepted Christ as my personal Savior, I am well aware that is only because of his bloodshed that my sins are forgiven and with faith in Him I am saved. I know this to be certain because everything aligns up properly to it. It took me twenty one years to really figure this and I can only think God because He showed it to me. My energy was off the charts when I was born again; if this were Dragon Ball Z I would have ascended and became a Super Saiyan. I was on fire with the Spirit and loved every minute of it. Time would play out and my faith would get stronger but just as I had a vulnerable moment Satan attacks and hits you were it hurts. Satan has low blowed me more times then I can even keep track of. The scary thing about how Satan works is sometimes you are fooled and are not even aware of what is taking place inside you. These past few weeks have been nothing short of chaos, Satan has thrown everything he can throw at me I feel; I have experienced the lowest of the low as far as depression, guilt, jealously, selfishness, prideful behavior, doubt, he just launched a whole arsenal of crap at me and I am left bruised and broken inside. I broke down the other day and cried. I don't know if I have wept that hard, it's been quite awhile if I had. I asked for mercy for my actions that God would put me back on the path, which is all I wanted was to give me that fire and desire I had for his will and to leave the worldly sinful thinking behind that was slowly creeping at my door. I would continue to just try to come to terms finally I am now beginning to feel God taking action inside me and helping me to fight the temptations and old ways that came out of nowhere. I am now beginning to understand why it is tuff for everyone to take up the will of God. Satan does not want anyone to do it, he messes with you more then ever when you become a Christian and you can't give in, so many people give in and now I can actually relate to them. The struggles we face as Christians are harsh and hard, but the war is already been won when Christ died on the cross. There is always hope and we must keep this in mind when we live out our daily lives, keep the mindset of Christ and follow Him, He will change your heart and you're life. We will have our ups and downs but the key is to keep going, and not stop. God has us all here for a reason; this whole sinful world that is not fair and is evil is not meant to last. We are just passing though this place and are on to greater places in the future. People need to know what reality is though our Love, which comes from the Father. Spread the word about Christ and save as many as possible, God wants it and He wants us to pick up where Christ left off. One more thing check this book, it's an intense read! God Bless
My father was once a serious Christian, read his bible and went the whole nine yards to live as God wanted him to. Time went on and I guess one thing led to another and before you know it he was an alcoholic who had so much hate in his heart, so much selfishness and greed. He never got over my mother and didn't treat her well to begin with. My father was never around really to spend time with his children. It actually took me years to realize that he wasn't the dad I wanted him to be. He sets in despair, swims in depression and misery, alone with his alcohol and dependencies for material things. Satan took him down hard and there he stays, not calling out for God for help as much as I told him too he sits and starves himself from any sense of communication with his Creator. I pray for him, may he come to the Lord and change his ways.
I will continue to grow spiritually though my studies for my biblical studies degree and though Gods word of course. I will stay on this path and rely on God for strength, I will continue to submit my life for his will and take up my cross. Away with selfish ambitions and stupid desires I must focus on what God wants me to do. My girlfriend wrote me and email that really hit home with everything. She doesn't know how much of a connection we share, most of the time we are experiencing the exact same problems or blessings at the exact same moments. Her email helped me to clear myself of my actions and I thank her for that. I feel God will make a difference though us in the future to come, I don't know when that day will come, but I am not slacking around anymore, it's on again and I am going full sail.
The wisdom tooth pain has returned and it is out for vengeance with pain! I have been taken pain medication all day to keep it tolerable but right now it is just awful. It has been quite a while since I updated to let me fill you in on what is happening. I did get a new job at old national bank as a computer operator third shift. This job is quite a blessing and is just what I need to get started in a career in technology and networking. I had to jump through a number of hoops to get into this job such as; interviewing three times, drug screening, background check, reference check on four people, and a reference check at ITT. The job duties are monitoring computer systems, monitoring ATM's, Job execution, backups, printing statements and forms, maintaining computer room equipment, recognition of issues, and problem solving. The computer operator position also entitles me to answer a wan support hotline and troubleshoot. This job isn't exactly what I went to school for, but it's a good way to get my foot in the door and get some experience in the IT industry. My first day is Saturday As for the hardcore devotional well I didn't finish it, nor will I most likely. Just like my girlfriend LaDawn I could not get into the material of the book, call me weak if you want but that book is no joke and it takes a lot of discipline to stay with it. I did make it to day ten of it though, that is farther then my girlfriend got hah hah. I still have not been on face book or MySpace which is good I guess, I will get back into that come Easter probably until then I can hang to stay off the peer to peer sites. I actually started up in my independent study at Trinity and am taking my first class which is Bible Study Methods. My textbook and workbook come from Howard G. Hendricks Living by the Book the Art and Science of Reading the Bible. I was looking through some testimonies of the book and apparently this one is a big deal. The bible study book of all bible study books is what this book is. Breaking into this book I read about four chapters yesterday and barley broke into the fifth chapter today. The material is eye opening, I am seeing the Bible in a way that I have never seen it before and this is only the first step which is observation, I have yet to even break into Interpretation and Application. My girlfriend is in Chicago with her host family and it is sad, I have not seen her and it really makes me sad. I miss her smile, her voice, her presence, her lip biting face, hah hah okay I just miss her altogether. She keeps me informed about how her days are going but you know it isn't the same. Today she checked out Moody College and loved it. She said she is defiantly going and does not care if she has to apply five times. Sounds like good school for sure, I don't know how easy it is to get in over there but I bet once you are in it is all goooooood! I am glad she is having a good time, it makes me smile. I love her. My friend Matt Goodin is apparently moving to California sometime within the week or next week. That really took me by surprise considering I had been trying to get a hold of him for at least a week and no answer. When Goodin finally does manage to pick up the phone he lays that one on me. I am happy for him though, he is going to start fresh and get out of the atmosphere that he fell into and couldn't seem to climb out of. Joe Kingston is a new friend of mine, I scored him a job working for Kenny after hours and he likes it. I try to slip in some gospel talk every now and then and I think it is really starting to grow on him. Pray for this guy, he is a good guy at heart, and with Christ by his side I know he could make a difference in this world for the better! Church is good, life is stable, God is slowly showing me what is up, I really can't complain. I am blessed beyond reasoning and it is all thanks to our mighty Heavenly Father. Sometimes I fall short and sometimes I know when I am falling short and it just happens anyway. I am working on trying to be more like Jesus Christ. I have fallen a bit though, we all do, no one is consistently just rising to the top, we all fall and we just have to get back up and rise up. My girl and I were getting pretty hot and heavy but we have managed to tone it down a bit. God showed us what was up and spoke though my pastor about two weeks ago I believe. Well that is about it for now, I have work early tomorrow so I am going to attempt to catch some shut eye. Hopefully the tooth pain will continue to sustain its self a bit so I can get a good nights rest.
God Bless, and Have a Jesus filled day!
Lengthy Interviews, Birthdays,Love Lights, Vacation Sights..
0 comments Posted by Righteous_Kev at 2:38 PMInteresting Events..
My cousin Herb Fiester got in touch with me about a week ago and through a pitch to me on a System Administrator position at the company he works for. ProTrans International is the company. The company is actually located right outside of Indianapolis but its still considered to be in Indianapolis. LaDawn and myself took the 3 hour roadtrip over there this past Monday for the interview, which lasted aprox 2 hours or so.
I met both the System Admins, who both are named Justin.. Really cool guys.. I felt totally comfortable talking to them and I really did well in my interview.. I guess it just depends on who they are looking for.. I am a newbie fresh out of College.. with some personality .. if they are down alright.. I did my best in the interview so we will see how it goes.
I don't have any idea if this is what God wants me to do. I don't feel I am cut out for this line of work but the money is good... I kind of feel like Lenardo Decaperios Character Frank Wheeler from Revolutionary Road.. He is in a bind to pick where he wants to go.. and he picks the money.. which ultimentaly leads to a series of negetive events that I won't discuss on here because I am sure you want to see the movie..
I will see what happens there.. later..
I plan on working on my script soon.. it needs to be getting done so I can have something to work with.. I am still in pre writing stages.. rest assured it will be good though..
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My 22nd birthday was yesterday, it was a good time overall.. I had plans to take my lady out somewhere I wouldn't say just yet.. because it will probably happen sometime.. but ya she had a job interview which was alright.. I didn't have a lot of money to work with anyway.. She had a not so good morning..and I didn't even have a morning considering I woke up at about 12:30..
We visited her mom in hospital.. she had a procedure done.. she seemed okay.. just a little bit nautious.. anyway.. Ihop after that then Bill met up with us and we went to the Irish Pub place connected to Jillians..
Then we went to Texas Roadhouse to meet up with family and friends..
Then we went to Show Me's..
My girl was floating.. and I couldn't help but be a little concerned about her when I got home.. I was thinking unrealistically about things.. it was kinda awful and I don't know what happend.. She yelled out a scipture verse.. it was 1 Peter 3:7 which goes something like this
"You husbands must be careful of your wives, being thoughtful of their needs and honoring them as the weaker sex. Remember that you and your wife are partners in receiving God's blessings, and if you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not get ready answers"
Well regardless if she meant to yell that scripture out or not.. I read it and felt its power on me.. I felt pretty bad.. she isn't my wife per say.. but I felt as if I was to blame for her getting the way she did.. I didn't handle the whole situation as I should of.. for that I was sorry.. she was passed out.... I got down right there.. and just started praying..
She wasn't exactly herself.. she even said it a number of times that night..
There is usually a positive that comes out of every situation.. this was that I need to be more up to par on whats going on.. with those around me.. I need to be more watchful.. as a Christian..
They are love lights.. love lights.. are the things that really show you love someone.. doing whats best for them.. helping them find out whats best for them.. it could take work.. patience and a lot of time.. but in the end.. Love Lights really show just who you are.. and if you shine the lights.. people will see them.. this is true..
Love Her.
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So I am taking a Vacation from the internet.. not completely but I will be keeping my updates via computer.. and will update them later.. according to the date.. the only reason I will get on the internet.. is to check my status on job prospective via email..
Your Response: Your Crazy Kev-0 you are all about getting online..I know this is going to be tuff..
Well Ya.. thats the point.. My girl got me this book called a call to die.. Apparently from what I read so far its a die hard 40 day devotional.. so I am giving this internet thing up so I can focus more on it.. This is one big factor that distracts me from my God time.. so I am taking it out of the equation for the next 40 days.. I will be on my computer writing.. but like I said.. the internet as far as just email is all I will subject myself too.. everything else will be dropped including my Blogger..
We will see what comes out of this..
I got a strong will so I will make it though this no doubt..
But ya after today no internet..
I might start early..
God Bless..
See you in 40..
No I am not talking about the movie with Bernie Mac and Ashton Kootchar.. It was an okay movie.. But my mom loved it..
Anyway Guess Who.. you remember the Board Game? This game was pretty awesome in the 90's. I remember I might of been in second grade I would play this game a lot with classmates at good old South Elementary over there in Mt Carmel Illinois. The Game depending on two players.. you would ask a question and if it didn't match the criteria of the person chosen by the other player.. they eliminate him.. eventually it comes down to the last person.. it’s just a matter of who gets there first.. That is the game..
This game depends on two players.. and you are consistently acting on the other players actions.. meaning you are consistently looking for what they say or do to dictate your next move..
Let me ask you this..
What if in life you looked for what God says? What if you turned to God to see what He says and base your move off that?
Get comfortable..
This is a trip..
There is something I have left out of my updates.. and it is fallen in place now.. so I have to blog it.. Let’s go back to ... oh early January.. Refer to the 13th blog and we will settle in that time frame for now..
Me and Bill had became pretty good friends.. I was amazed at his faith so early in his journey.. He sent me his story.. and it was great.. there was someone involved in him coming to Christ.. I didn't know her.. but anyone who brings someone to Christ.. being used by God and all.. well at that point I thought well.. that is cool.. Good for this girl.. she must of really had an impact on him because he is changed and I see that big time.
Another impression I got was Bill was emotionally attracted to the one who brought him to the truth, made a lot of sense.. he told me he knew the girl since like 2 grade or something? Could be 3rd grade.. but that isn't the point.. the point is he has known this girl for a looong time.. she brought him to the truth.. and he felt the Lord come into his heart and make his stay there.. Yeah so I figured he might be a little attracted to her.. always talking about her and what not.. I scratched my head and just left it at that for now.. intrigued I was..
I did my thing.. and Eventually Bill would introduce me to one of the trio.. because he ran around with two girls.. one being her.. and another being Megan Day. One night he called me and invited me to Barnes N noble.. I was down.. so I made my way over there.. met Megan.. Had a good time talking to them that night.. and felt really good about what was happening here.. I was talking to people who were embracing what I had to say about God.. I was running solo outside of Church that I really didn't know to much what that was like.. Good time.. and Megan was a cool girl.. I was liking this duo.. but like i said this was a trio..
No other girl..she was out of the country? Its true.. I thought.. hmm.. thats.. interesting..
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(Even Earlier.. Stay with me.. )
I know this girls sister.. I worked with her for the longest time.. and at one time she was really attracted to me.. The Jerk Kevin...I didn't act on that to much.. I didn't know how I felt about it.. but after I was born again I started to talk more to the sister.. Tab was a character and it was when I started embracing Christ that I saw she was pretty awesome.. I actually witnessed to her late September on Aim.. but she was already a Christian..
We saw Nick and Nora’s Infinite Play list.. I made a phone call to Tabs sister.. didn't know who she was really at that time..Tab didn't talk much about her.. or any of her family for that much.. but she was worried so I played worried Kevin and made a call to her.. didn't think too much of it.. it was just funny for the moment.. I always wanted to meet the family.. but Tab didn't like that much.. I don't think she like me figuring her out.. trying to piece stuff together and just help her.. I met her mom, her brother.. no sister though.. saw pictures.. never talked to her though.. I even thought about adding her on face book back then.. but I just said eh.. nah..
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Sorry I just felt that will help my story hold some more water..
Back to January..
I guess Bill started talking to about me to this girl.. I was getting deep with Bill.. letting out all I knew to him.. my journey.. how far I came.. and what God has taught me over the past 6 months.. She got word..and so I get on face book and there is the friend request from her.. LaDawn McGinnis.. There was some anticipation upon doing it.. I accepted and then... She messaged me.. almost 2 mins after..
I can't recall what the exact conversation was.. it was loooong at least an hour maybe hour and half
Something like "So you must be this Kevin that my friends are talking about or something"
I was completely nice and honest the whole time.. and we just talked.. she told me her story in a nutshell.. and what not.. and I just briefly let her in on my stuff.. nothing to deep... but I was really intrigued to meet her after this.. she talked just like me.. and I couldn't believe some of the things the closely resembled me.. that was in her.. something was up here.. but I didn't jump the gun on anything... I am defiantly not the guy to do that..
Her and Bill went to see a movie and that is when I met her.. I saw her.. she was wearing that orange jacket and that hat.. that hat was something else.. I liked it.. I liked her look.. she caught my eye.. and I actually got nervous.. which I mean happens..but this was different.. like.. I was having trouble being me.. it was a setback that didn't come about too often.. something is going on here.. I played it off alright .. no one expected anything.. We hit up some food and the three of us got to talking.. and clicked.. the four of us together clicked even better.. it was a safe bet that God joined the four of us together for a reason.. I embraced it.. but that isn't all that happened..
My emotions were scoring and it was like I almost couldn't control them.. A party inside my body... just wanting to come out.. the party stayed under wraps.. I barely knew this girl.. I wasn't about to just poor myself out. .. on some feelings that might just be uhh short lived..
I played it so well.. I almost had myself convinced.. no that didn't happen.. these feelings only came stronger.. the more I hung out with her.. the connections.. I didn't say what we connected on.. but seriously.. it was a lot of things.. I continued to keep my mouth shut about it.. I was a supporting friend to her .. I challenged her .. I helped her where she was sticking.. and I listened.. oh how I love to listen to her.. We went to Denny's one night the whole group and I just couldn't believe what she was saying.. Things I thought.. things I did.. IT WAS ALL TO MUCH!
My facial expressions were almost as if I had saw a ghost.. I never feel this way.. but this is different.. still kept my mouth shut..If I open up and she denies.. well I don't know how the friendship would end up.. and she is worth keeping as a friend for sure.. so no.. I didn't let out how I feel..
One night I ended up at her house solo.. Bill and Megan had both split and I was just there with her.. haha I laugh right now because Kevin Catt pulled a great performance as the uninterested good friend.. oh man.. as much as I didn't want to do it.. I wasn't budging .. not yet.. I still didn't know what this was..
Then I thought about it.. I said to myself.. just make it known that you are friends.. take it out of the picture completely..
I know what you are thinking.. pretty crazy right? lol no doubt it was a bold move.. and I did it.. I actually started talking about Female Social Dynamics.. how woman act and what they are attracted to.. I learned on this in Magic Bullets and Mystery Method.. following it up I explained the Friend Zone.. and how its usually impossible for a guy to date a girl that he has been friends with because the girl doesn't want to risk the good friend relationship if it doesn't work out.. So I plugged us in there.. and she was like ya.. I payed real close attention.. to everything after that moment.. when I said it.. if I saw any indicator of interest.. oh boy.. I might of said something.. but.. besides her squint .. and slightly dimmed smile.. I got nothing..
I talked with her some more.. we talked for awhile.. but then I told myself I need to get out of here.. so I left.. Went to work.. and really was troubled by it..
I was thinking all through my shift..
"This isn't good, I got to get over this"
"This is actually throwing me off, I am distracted with this over God"
I did some serious praying when I got home..
"GOD listen.. I have developed strong feelings for this girl, they have came out of nowhere and they are really throwing me for a loop, please get rid of them if they shouldn't be there.. if somehow we are met to be.. I’ll leave it to you to make it happen.. i have already through myself in the friend zone.. so it isn't going to be my doing.. it will be yours.. that way .. if we are together.. it will be because you brought us together.. not any selfish ambition that I might have.."
I prayed this prayer.. a lot.. and the feelings didn't go away.. they GREW STRONGER! .. so something is going to happen I feel.. still I didn't budge.. God works on his watch.. I just didn't know when..
I typed a letter.. it was a stretch.. but I knew if we came together.. that would be awesome.. to give her the letter.. way before we found each other.. that way she knew it was God.. and not just me..
I kept it in my wallet.. for a few..
It just didn't make sense that its to happen in this time frame.. she had a boyfriend and she played it off pretty good that she liked him.. didn't have everyone fooled and my feelings were still there... I didn't get real jealous over it.. I knew in my head that something was going to happen..
Another night me and LaDawn would find ourselves at my spot.. the spot were I can really tune out of what is going on in this world and tune into God.. I started talking about a movie I wanted to shoot.. a short film about the Narrow path.. I asked if she was a good actress.. well I acted like a non believer and started trying to get her to witness to me..
she did alright.. It was pretty good.. I loved it.. I thought.. what a good friend.. this friendship is awesome.. We went to I hop and you know what.. I clued.. just a little.. I said I wanted to be with someone who was like myself.. ambition.. to serve God’s will.. she looked at me.. said ya.. and then at one time she said sorry? I was like why? no need to be sorry that's just what I am looking for.. I thought to myself.. What is going on God.. ? Just what do you have planned honestly..
I'm at work on a Thursday night.. and I get word that she has broken up with her Boyfriend.. hmm.. I thought about it.. and I was like.. eh you know I am still going to stay silent.. God is going to do it if it’s to be done..
So we go to Ihop that night..and I play various games with her.. trust game.. starring contests.. thing about was just me wanting to look into her beautiful blue eyes.. To imagine good.. and to keep my face level I would picture bad.. lol I did a good proposal impression.. Really good actually.. we were actually acting out a scene..
Me and LaDawn and Billy left there hours later and went for a looong drive.. and what was going through my head.. how much I just wanted to let this girl know.. that I want to try and be with her.. I want to help her grow.. I want to be in a relationship with her.. I didn't really budge..
God then took matters into his own hands..I acted out the scene where I ask a girl to marry me.. it was actually her sister.. tab... lol it was funny.. everyone laughed.. then Billy stopped to get gas.. and I was alone with her again.. just thinking.. I asked her something.. and then Billy came back and said out of nowhere "You guys like each other huh?" I chocked ... internally.. the cat was out of the bag now.. but she didn't respond.. My acting was good on the marrying thing but Billy kind of saw through it I guess.. so to kill this moment I said "We were just acting Bill"
He said Do it again
So we did.. This time.. I put my heart into it.. she accepted.. as Tab.. and I just asked for a kiss.. but she didn't do it.. finally we get to wesselmens and I turned around in the front seat and said..
"I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT LADAWN, WE ARE MET FOR EACH OTHER... THIS IS IT.. SO WHY DON'T WE JUST TRY THIS... LADAWN THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED.. THIS IS MET TO BE... I KNOW YOU GET IT... "
She was not breathing.. or at least that is what it seemed like .. she smiled and nodded yes.. at that point... I was in deep thanks to the Lord.. He showed us what was up a lot sooner than I thought.. I kissed her.. and laid with her.. Her only objection was Megan.. who had a crush on me.. but I didn't like her that way.. I was her friend.. and I love her as a friend.. but LaDawn.. she is it.. I really believe that.. and time will show it..
God came through.. and now we are together..
Guess who? LaDawn Michelle McGinnis
That’s my side.. she has her own that connects this.. I am not going to tell it though.. maybe she will.. that be tight..
God Bless..Thanks for Reading
Much Love.